Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Grady Sizemore: You're A God (And I Am Not) - And I Just Thought That You Should Know!

"An enemy will often agree, but a friend will always argue." - an old Irish proverb.

The Ewoks and I shake our collective furry fists (and spears) at The ESPN Death Star...

"...And all those national journalistic jugheads be damned! Mike Lupica and his "sudden praise" for The Chicago White Sox opitimizes the sychophant mentality his profession breeds - "no ones going to stop The White Sox," he babbled on ESPN that Sunday morning. This was the same guy who said Ohio State "had no chance" against Miami - the year OSU won The National Championship! Well, I'm going to say it just to spite Lupica and his journalistic lemmings: The White Sox are going to DERAIL the second-half of the year and it will be The Cleveland Indians who sweep in and win the feeble AL Central - count on it!" -- (Republished from "Do You, Um, Wahoo?" in The Id and I, June 26, 2005).

Vertical Horizon: Hey, kids, they're like Fall Out Boy for old folks!

Just like Vertical Horizon was an underappreciated and often-overlooked rock band back in the '90's, so it goes the same fate with your 2005 Cleveland Indians...

While the national media happensto be fawning over the Oakland A's and L.A. Angels, and the other half are busy slurping George Steinbrenner and his Frankenstein-like Yankees, the Tribe - just like Thorton Melon in Back to School - is getting no respect! (But you have to remember that these talking heads on TV are a tad crazy - and not the cute "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" kind of crazy either. More like the creepy One Hour Photo kind of crazy... look no further than the always-screaming-to be heard used-car salesman, Stephen A. Smith, on ESPN. Quite Frankly, I'd rather chew glass than watch his show... give me Jason Whitlock, any day - Him I'll follow to the ends of the earth.)

How can you not market this team-??? Geez, Cleveland, get with it - Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you! Start with a catchy tune, like: "Here's the story. Of a man named 'Grady'..." You could have Slider star in the role of "Alice" the meddling asexual housemaid with a heart of gold! And, like, maybe have a Larry Dolan cameo as "Sam the Butcher" and ...and... well, I really haven't storyboarded anything yet, it's just an idea but... oh, nevermind, they'll never go for it. It's probably not "Republican" enough for them down there...

Sure the Indians have their flaws - but not as many as the other teams! And what of all the naysayers who say that the 2005 Tribe has no "superstars" on their roster-? Grady Sizemore ...Jhonny Peralta ...Victor Martinez ...Travis Hafner ...Cliff Lee? Ever heard of these guys, national brain stems? You will...

If you play the stock market like I do, the first thing you learn is to spot emerging talent ...before it fully blooms. And also you need to gain the ability to sidestep potential landmines before they blow up in your face - let's just hope that Bob Wickman isn't that big, loveable landmine, folks.

Grab your Flux Capacitor and hang onto your Jigawatts, kids, 'cause we're going back to the future!

Jim Thome, Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez and Omar Vizquel were not "household names" back in early 1995 either - they were just young players with a ton of potential - just like the 2005 Cleveland Indians!

Now it's time for this 21st century crop of kids to step up to the bat and swing for the fences at Jacob's Field. We've got the superstars - they're here! - all the critics who refuse to acknowledge this just have the "vision" of Mr. Magoo, is all.

Even the "supporting cast" of players like Coco Crisp, Ben Broussard and (gulp!) Casey Blake have come on strong - and you are only as good as your weakest link in team sports. Aaron Boone is providing veteran leadership and C.C. Sabathia is (finally) pitching like the ace he was always to projected to be by management.

Sure, I've been critical of owner Larry Dolan for being a ...a ...(Hey, what's the nice way of saying "a cheapskate" again...?). But The Plan has brought us a boatload of exciting young talent - it's up to our "Daddy Warbucks on welfare" to sign them and keep them here!

But the real mystery here is why the Tribe fans are not out and about - supporting our team down at The Jake? Maybe it's our city mayor's money-grubbing traffic light cameras used to nab speedsters that are keeping fans away (and can you blame them when our elected mental-defectives come up with ideas like these? I mean, when they're not putting "party plates" on their cars...). Hey, maybe Jane Campbell's traffic cameras can snap a picture of those Office Max moving trucks speeding out of town-?

Or maybe the Clevelanders who live in the surrounding suburbs are not as enamored with those "cuddly panhandlers with tin cups" as some are in the local PBS media - or happen to feel that those "happy-go-lucky homeless" add some "local flavor" to the otherwise scenic surroundings in downtown Cleveland. Go figure!

Whatever the case, I and a lot of other Clevelanders recognize the potential this team possesses - and just like the baseball equivalent of Pavlov's dog, I'll come running when the Cleveland Indians ring that possibility of a playoff berth bell! This is Cleveland - this is what we natives do. We cheer for our local underdogs - whatever the often wince-inducing outcome.

And to all the Darth Lupica's out there in the galaxy, I have this to say: "Tay-Chooie-Wak-Puhtah-Chee-Wah-Tooie!" (Um, that's Ewok for: "A Plague of Verbal Constipation Upon You and YOUR Tribe for 12 Consecutive Blue Moons, You Dweeb!")

And I mean that in the nicest, most-non-threatening Ewok sort of way...

To contact - or throw rocks and spears at - The Id and I: krypto_mcsuperdog@yahoo.com

"Am I more than you bargained for yet...? I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear - Cause that's just who I am this week. Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum. I'm just a notch in your bedpost - But you're just a line in a song (A notch in your bedpost, but you're just a line in a song). Drop a heart, break a name. We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team. We're going down, down in an earlier round. And Sugar, we're going down swinging. I'll be your number one with a bullet. A loaded gun complex, cock it and pull it..."


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