Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Kibbles and T(id) Bits

The Id and I - We put the "fun" back into dysfunctional!

Moss Man: "So, are you passionate about 'Dawson's Creek'?"

Comma (on Cruise Control): "Moss, yes - yes, I am! But - but I am also passionate about life..."

Moss Man: "But what do you say to those people who get better by watching 'Everwood," or even "One Tree Hill." What do you say to them....?"

Comma (on Cruise Control): "Moss, I'd say, you don't need those things to - to feel happy. Journalism is - Moss, it's a psuedo-science."

Moss Man: "But, Comma, isn't there a chance that people could feel better by watching 'Everwood'? Why is "Dawson's Creek" the be-all-end-all in personal therapy? Maybe 'Everwood' or 'One Tree Hill' works for some people..."

Comma (on Cruise Control): "Moss - Moss! You're glib - you don't even know what you're talking about. Do you even KNOW the history of 'Dawson's Creek' - because I do. I know the whole history..."

Moss Man: "But I know people who have actually gotten better by watching 'Everwood'..."

Comma (on Cruise Control): "Moss, Moss - why don't you go do the entire research on 'Dawson's Creek' - and then, and only then, maybe we could have an intelligent discussion on this subject..."

Moss Man: "But you won't even admit that there is a POSSIBILITY that people have gotten better - if not by watching 'Gilmore Girls,' then by at least watching 'Everwood' - they've gotten BETTER! I know people who have..."

Comma (on Cruise Control): "Moss, Moss - you don't know the subject matter you're speaking on - and, Moss, you look foolish. Moss, do you know that 'Grams' and 'Van derBeek' are actually street drugs now...? Did you know that, Moss...?"

"Girlfriend" and "Dawson's Creek" recruit - Katie Pollack - cheers her man on from the sidelines (as if her floundering broadcast career depended on it) - as Scientology Centurian Guards by her side nod in approval with stun guns aimed appropriately at her abdomen.

A little bit of 'dis and a little bit of dat

I just got back from the Indians' loss to the Detroit Tigers - I had primo seats, the second row behind the Tribe dugout - and they lost! See, this is what happens when The Golden Goose does not get his personalized Grady Sizemore jersey, people! Bad things happen when you start to anger the Universe - don't say I didn't warn you!

You know what the problem with this town is - and it's a great town on the surface! But the problem with this town is that the tired old media inhabiting it has a severe strangehold on it - devoid of any creativity or new ideas. They're too busy trying to find friends by throwing lame parties for themselves, instead of trying to create "something new" that they haven't pawned off the national attention span in a "quiet crisis" of hushed desperation - like some self-involved, delusional, geeks overestimating their powers in the Audio-Visual club. (Jack and Jill hint: Go out and talk to some REAL people in the community who aren't intent to proudly suck on your psuedo-celebrity teet!)

Because the REAL problem is the people in the Cleveland media have no original thoughts (other than tired, rehashed ones) and, despite what they say, would bolt in a New York minute if they had the talent to do so. They like to use the excuse, "Oh, I could go to a larger market, but I love this town." The sad fact is, they could never compete in a larger market, and they know it, so they cling to their safety net of a convenient excuse that soothes their savage egos (and, hey, I - loser boy - will even throw myself into this sad mix to be fair).

Here's an example: The morning radio shows ("Motormouth and Monkey Man" or whatever the hell they call themselves, I don't know) are constantly broadcasting mindless "Paris Hilton" and "American Idol" updates because they read about them in the national tabloids and don't have the brain power to know any better. But, hey, it keeps them on the radio and local television in hopes of one day landing "a date" outside of their own Cleveland Mass Media Communications' fishbowl.

Memo to local morning radio: I want to listen to music! In other words, people outside the box who have shown some faint flash of artistic creativity. If I wanted to listen to mindless "blah, blah, blah" dribble, I would print out the pages of my own web blog and read it aloud to myself in the morning!

So that explains Denise Dufala authographing her own self-portrait and passing it off as some crappy Christmas gift (complete with her Tina Fey glasses because she can't figure out what's "cool" on her own, or without the help of her inept producers) to impress all of her friends back in North Olmsted. And when some psycho goes on a local shooting rampage at Case Western, she's the first one down there shoving her face in the camera lens in a vain attempt to gain exposure on CNN (sorry, Ms. Dufala, Kelly O'Donnell, you are not!)

I guess the moral of the story is this: If you ever see ME appearing in some lame "Big Chuck and Lil' John goes Vegas with Dick Goddard" sketch - please have me promptly put to sleep!


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