Saturday, April 19, 2008

Derek Anderson was abducted by space aliens! Brady Quinn is the bride of Bigfoot! And other Weakly Weird News on the 2008 NFL Draft...

"Oh, don't act so surprised, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission, THIS TIME!" -- Lord Darth Vader to those oh-so-wacky upstarts with the so-called Rebel Alliance.

Okay, so I guess I should take a break from babbling on and on about comic book movies and start talking about sports for a spot - You know, in case I ever want to have sex again.

The NFL Draft is this Saturday and it is truly one of the highlights of my primitive social calendar. To be clear, it's much less of a televised sports spectacle for my close group of friends - and more of a "networking event for smartasses."

I mean, after the drama is gone from the selection of the No. 1 pick, the only thing left to do is eat, drink, and be merry - until, of course, some team makes THE inevitable draft day mistake that is so galactically stupid that we have no choice but to pounce on it like the comedy pumas that we are! You know, like the Miami Dolphins selecting a PUNT RETURNER with their first round draft pick over Brady Quinn (a punt returner, he says!) last year.

Be that as it may, I am not immune to the onslaught of taunts and catcalls from my friends on Draft Day by any means! Last year, my fellow Irish kinfolk and I were put in the corner of the living room and unfairly labeled "Brady's Ladies" - simply because we bravely chose to wear our Notre Dame gear in support of a certain quarterback now riding the bench for the Cleveland Browns.

But, hey, no one is going to compare me to Rosa Parks, are they?

So, whatever the case, I choose to take the high road and view the world like Isiah Thomas for my 2008 NFL Draft party: With complete ignorance and utter bliss! And while the Cleveland Browns are (allegedly) out of the first-round running in regards to actual draft picks, I have no vested interest in anything other than the Blazing Hot buffalo wings on the snack tray this year.

Now, that being said, let it also be noted that I can finally rest in freaking peace and enjoy this year's NFL Draft without the constant clamoring of Phil Savage and his "antics."

Let me be clear in case you are lost: Phil Savage is obviously the general manager of the Cleveland Browns - and he has done a great job of turning this franchise around, no doubt. BUT - if I have to listen to him screaming from the Cleveland rooftops ...just one more time ...about Derek Anderson's "status" with the Brownies ...well, frankly, I don't know what!

WE GET IT, PHIL: You are not trading Derek Anderson (or so he says!) on Draft Day under any circumstances (Wink, wink). Okay, yes - WE GET IT! Derek Anderson is the second-coming of Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one! Again, we get it. How dare almost everyone on the entire freaking planet we call "Earth" question your judgement just because you massively overpaid for Derek Anderson! (And you did!)

WHO is responsible for all these wild conspiracy theories anyway? The media, maybe? I mean, trade Derek Anderson on Draft Day? If this a joke ...well, I'm not laughing, mister! Where DOES the dreaded media get their "misinformation" regarding an overpaid Derek Anderson and a possible trade anyway?

The right side of their cerebral cortex, perhaps?

Honestly, I just don't understand this paranoia on NFL Draft Day ("What was that noise? Is somebody there? Is that you, Mr. Peepers? Maybe it's just all in my head...").

Yes, Phil Savage, we now completely understand that you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances whatsoever, going to trade Derek Anderson for any offer out there on Draft Day. Yes, Brady Quinn may bomb. Yes, two quarterbacks are better than one in Browns Town (even if you did massively overpay for one of them!) - and any NFL team around the league, short of New England, would love to be in our situation right about now. We get it!

Holy Moses, can I puh-leeze enjoy my ice cold Belgian ale right about now without another round of roaring applause from the chorus of circus seals on the "will they or won't they?" Derek Anderson debate?

"Okay, Mr. (Savage), I understand ...We all have to play our little games." But in regards to rumors about the Browns trading up into the first round: Won't you at least pay the fee for my fishing license?

Like an ACME mallet to the head, we finally get it: YOU ARE NOT TRADING DEREK ANDERSON. PERIOD. END OF NON-STORY.

Are you...? Is it...?

Unless, of course, according to my shadowy sources, the Atlanta Falcons come-a-calling with their first round pick (No. 3 overall) and we can get running back Darren McFadden in return for Derek Anderson and his multiple bags of dollar signs, right?

Other than that I like everything else the Browns are doing (maybe). Now somebody toss me a sardine and a rubber ball to balance on my nose ("Arrh! Arrh! Arrh!") ...because I think I overpaid for this blog!

Happy Draft Day everybody!


Post a Comment

<< Home