A 19 Crackhead News exclusive: Toucan Sam, The Bird Flu and YOU!

The id and I - Now with Dual Doppler Blimp Radar. "Because blimps explode. And when they do, you better be ready, dumbass!"

I have had about all I can take with these "holiday Christmas specials" on T.V. If I see one one more group of singing and dancing puppets, dressed in kaiser outfits, I'm going to scream. Yes, Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfield - this means YOU.

I'll leave the political bashing to Jon Stewart, however, because I don't want the Bush administration to start illegally spying on me (although - sigh - I'd probably appreciate "the company"). I don't want to "slip up" and go off on some rant about how I love Ben & Jerry's ice cream or something - especially Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies ice cream - and then get lumped in with the rest of those "communist assholes." (Lick Global Warming!)

"We had to spy on Ben, Jerry and that odd McVetta fellow because we honestly believed they had a SECRET STASH of these Magic Brownies," I'm sure Condie Rice might calmly spin on "Meet The Press" next Sunday. "You know - because of Sept. 11th..."

The next thing you know, the U.S. Army is invading historic downtown Willoughby in search of (MBMD's) - Magic Brownies of Mass Destruction. I just don't need those kinds of headaches!

But that's neither here nor there. Hey, it's the holidays here on the North Coast - and that means only one thing: Pray to your favorite holiday deity (or Scientologist) to bring you some kick-ass gifts this holiday season! My "Secret Santa" struck early this year - trying to snap me out of my cold-weather funk - by delivering my gift to my doorstep a week before Christmas...

A DVD collection of "Harvey Birdman: Attorney-at-Law" from "Adult Swim" on the Cartoon Network. Just in time for the cold and bird flu season!!! (Hey, what did you think I was going to get: the very best of "Masterpiece Theater"?)

Ah, my Secret Santa - she knows me so well (poor girl). At least I didn't get another one of those Beers of the World gift sets like the one I always get from my boss at work. Oh, sure, I like beer ...obviously (I mean, I'm Irish ...I'm a writer ...so YOU do the math!) but how much beer from obscure countries can one man drink... (That was a rhetorical question, folks!).

Harvey Birdman is kind of "the Kathy Griffin of The Hanna-Barbera world." A D-List character who sarcastically defends other A-List inhabits of his carefully-drawn universe from heinous crimes (they, um, almost always commit):

• Boo Boo Berry as "The UnaBooBoo Bomber."
• Shaggy and Scooby-Doo getting busted for "possession."
• Apache Chief filing a lawsuit against a coffee chain after spilling hot java on his apache crotch and getting "erectile disfuntion" as a result.
• Dr. Benton Quest and his "life partner" Race Bannon fight over custody of their kids, Jonny and Hadji.

See what I mean-? Good stuff! Practicing law was never this much fun...

And, until new episodes of "My Name is Earl" and "Scrubs" are back on the air, I need something to hold me at bay. Something to maintain my last shreds of sanity during all the hectic holiday travelling out on the major roadways and interstates in this godforsaken weather - Man does not live by Blog alone, folks!

Because, I swear, if get one more freaking gift card from "Old Navy" this Christmas, it's not going to be pretty. I mean, how many retro-bowling shirts and cargo pants can one man own-??? (That's another rhetorical, folks...)

But 13 episodes of "Harvey Birdman: Attorney-at-Law" on DVD should keep "the Kong in me" appeased - at least for a little while anyway...

Other than that, here's wishing you a happy holiday - and a MERRY CHRISTMAS, as well - you bunch of pagans!!! (And please bring our troops home safely in 2006).

The id and I supports Peace on Earth through Pop Culture. Chris McVetta's wardrobe courtesy of "Dawson's Creek."