Sunday, January 08, 2006

Cleveland, Why Can't I Quit You...???

Well, it's the new year and ...and ...well, I'm not quite sure what that means.

It means that college football is over. It means that Matt Leinart - as returning quarterback of The USC (University of Spoiled Children) Trojans - SHOULD HAVE dropped out of school because a college degree does NOT pay. Not as much, this time around, anyway...

It means that we won't get to see Laura Quinn (Medicine woman???) every 15 seconds or so on national TV now that her brother, Brady Quinn, isn't getting sacked releantlessly by her boyfriend, A.J. Hawk - hey, maybe they can all laugh about it over appetizers at Applebee's or something (Well, maybe not Applebee's - they serve better food in prison - but you get the idea!).

It means that Butch Davis and John Collins of The Cleveland Browns have both now been banished to "Brokeback Mountain" - or wherever failed NFL egomaniacs (and the executives who love them) go to reinvent themselves (Perhaps with The Black Hole and The Oakland Raiders - quit that snickering, people!).

I'm not sure what I want out of Cleveland - or myself - for this new year. I would still like Cleveland to build a Pop Culture museum on the shores of Lake Erie with a giant Superman statue guarding the entrance. If nothing else, to honor Superman creators, Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, who both grew up in Cleveland - and created The Man of Steel HERE in high school - during The Great Depression.

Shouldn't we immortalize native Clevelanders who actually went on to create something that has stuck in the collective mindset throughout the years - instead of some lame "knuckleheads in the news" over and over again-? (Or are we too busy fawning over Mrs. Dennis Kucinich like the lame inbred hillbillies the outside world perceives us to be...? Quit coming up with sappy greeting card slogans for Cleveland - that would make Daffy Dan cringe in horror - and let's do something with this town!)

I mean, unless The Ten-Thousand Volt Ghost from "Scooby-Doo" is chasing people away from the semi-abandoned Aviation Airport or something, it's about TIME to do something with the lakefront. What better way to pay tribute to two native Clevelanders - while bringing added attention, excitement and interest to Cleveland - then to build a Pop Culture museum here on the shores of Lake Erie - with Superman as the main attraction...

Hey, you can even throw in Halle Berry's Bond bikini and Drew Carey's glasses, too, for good measure!

Other than that, I've decided in this new year that if local news woman Sharon Reed is going to continually "over expose" herself during every single sporting event in town, then I might just RETURN THE FAVOR and do they same thing to HER - I'll be an equal opportunity annoyance!

I'm hoping to approach the aspiring Ms. Reed on the sidelines of every Browns, Cavs and Indians game imaginable with a handful of flowers glibly stating: "Golly, Ms. Reed shore are purdy! Aw shucks, I hopes you don't mind too much, but I picked ya these here dandelions just for you..."

To which she'll most likely snap: "What-? Are you some sort of DORK or something-???"

"No, ma'am," I'll respond, staring at my feet. "Just bashful!"

Other than that - Happy 2006, Cleveland!

Now, (sigh), if I could only lose a few of those holiday pounds! Time to hit the gym - um, in case The Ultimate Fighting Championship comes a calling! Oh, Hoegaarden Belgian Ale and Double Atomic cheeseburgers - why can't I quit you...?


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