And now for my next trick, Ladies and Gents: Watch me pull Joe Jurevicius out of a hat!
"I'm in the sky tonight. There I can keep by your side. Watching the wide world riot and hiding out - I'll be coming home next year..."
YES! The Cleveland Browns have signed wide receiver, Joe Jurevicius, to a multi-year deal bringing our hometown boy back to his roots in the rock n' roll city!
Thank you to Randy Lerner, Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel for finally getting this orange and brown ship headed in the right direction after all those painful "rebuilding" years. Jurevicius is a true NFL player and will be a welcome addition to an often-beleaguered wide receiving tandem.
According to Yahoo! sports:
"This is where it all started for me," said Jurevicius. "I had opportunities to go to a couple different places. First and foremost, I wanted to become a Cleveland Brown, put on the orange helmet, play in front of Lake Erie and enjoy the feelings. This is going to add years to my career because of excitement that comes along with it."
The Browns added frosting to the Cleveland cake by signing LeCharles Bentley, one of the most coveted centers in free agency this year.
"I can die happy now," said Bentley, who wore a Browns jersey under his sports coat. "This has been my dream."
After years of toiling under Butch Davis (and his frightful Death Star regime) that seemingly dismantled the woe-is-me Cleveland Browns, these two top-notch players are a welcome addition - and a positive sign of things to come for our beloved Cleveland Browns.
Butch Davis was an insecure egomaniac who (as a destructive one-man force) was manic enough to make any true-blue Brownie the Elf fan leap out of the stands of the Dawg Pound like Crazy Joe Davola from "Seinfeld" screaming: "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!"
George Costanza: "Hey, what does that mean, anyway-?"
Jerry Seinfeld: "It means - Death to tyrants."
George Costanza: "Yeah - I could see that."
So, this is for all the naysayers out there, who don't "get" current General Manager, Phil Savage, because he wears a baseball cap with a sports coat. And why-? Because Phil Savage is a free-wheeling free spirit who also happens to dress like a devilish rogue-??? A sports coat worn with a baseball cap-?!? Why, (GASP!) it must be the last sign of The Apocalypse!!!
Well, we here at The id and I have praised Joe Jurevicius as a football player from the very start - and for all the naysayers who want to still bash Phil Savage ("The North Coast Ron Howard"), I humbly suggest you crawl back into the tar pits from whence you came and wait to be cast in "Jurassic Journalists 4: Back to the Quagmire." (Come on in and join me, folks - the tar feels just fine! Believe me, I'm no wave of the future either - and when the giant asteroid hits the earth, this big mouth with a blog will be washed away with the rest of the fossils).
And, no, I'm not bashing old people. Some older people are actually quite productive and spry - just look at Yoda!
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to fix myself a little lunch: I'll be stepping into the kitchen where I will proceed to turn water into wine - and bread into fish. Or not - I'm just kind of a jackass that way!
Otherwise, here's a Hoegaarden toast to Joe Jurevicius and LeCharles Bentley - Welcome home, boys!!! (Now, if Phil Savage and company could somehow trade up to draft A. J. Hawk, they would truly walk on water in MY book!).
The id and I - The Last Temptation of Chris