Dr. Doom's Stock Picks for Dummies (tm): Or How Sirius Killed The Radio Star

"Everyone knows the answers to life's problems can't be found at the bottom of a bottle - they're found on TV!" -- Homer Simpson

Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches - Comparing David Lee Roth to Howard Stern is like comparing the film "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" to episodes of "Parker Lewis (Can't Lose)."

And it seems like David Lee Roth took a "bit of a tumble" today when it was announced that he and his nationally syndicated radio show (that replaced Howard Stern) would take a "hiatus" for a week - or so. One down - two to go. Might as well jump - Go ahead and jump!

Now, I have to be honest here - I am not really a Howard Stern fan. So I couldn't care less who wins these "talk-radio wars" as long as Sirius Satellite Radio comes out on top. The only time I listen to free FM radio is while driving in my car - and when I do I want to hear music, not Clear Channel "corporate chatter."

It's nothing personal - The only connection I have to local radio here in Cleveland is when my friends snuck me into a nightclub at the tender age of 16 many moons ago, and I won a karaoke contest hosted - and judged - by local morning radio schlock jock, John Lanigan (I belted out the winning tune, "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis and The News to the "shock and awe" of many drunks in the crowd - and melted Mr. Lanigan's icy heart in the process. Or not. Hey, maybe it wasn't "American Idol" - but I was still ahead of my time - and it won me 5 free drink tickets for my friends in the process).

But let's get back to the future, shall we - and the future is Sirius Satellite Radio (if not satellite radio altogether). I get my news from Yahoo! and the Internet. I get my "fake" news analysis from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I get my entertainment from cable TV (if not "Lost" on ABC - then from "The Shield" on FX) - but where do we get our music-?

Right now, it looks like iPods or iTunes is the wave of the future - but I'm betting that satellite radio takes a bite out of Clear Channel crime too. And that's why I am putting my money where my mouth is - on Sirius.

To be honest, I never knew a lot about stocks. As a kid growing up, the only thing I knew about the stock market is what Alex P. Keaton taught me - as well as his liberal-hippie parents - about it on "Family Ties." NOW, it's "Mad Money w/Jim Cramer" on CNBC.

But the more I look at the future, the more I get worried that my generation is going to be living in a refrigerator box - a refrigerator box with a big "falling prices" smiley face on the side of it subsidized by Wal-Mart.

I don't make a lot of money - but the little I do make I invest (and not all of it in Belgian ale). I don't have a stockbroker - my only stockbrocker is me, my shadow and Sharebuilder.com.

So when I heard that The Cleveland Indians were starting their own "sports network" - I rushed out to buy shares of Buffalo Wild Wings (BWLD). Well, not rushed out - I bought them from my computer in my living room, but you get the point.

I know that Larry Dolan and The Indians want me to fork over an extra $1.50 to $2.00 to PAY for this network of theirs - raising my BASIC cable bill to almost $50.00/month. This is AFTER, of course, I call my local cable company to ask that they add this new "Sports Time Network" to my cable line-up. Hey, Mr. Dolan - Why don't I just go up on my roof, install a satellite dish MYSELF - and then send you a check for that while I'm at it-???

Can I go "all Sally Struthers on you" and sponsor a Cleveland Indians' player too-??? For just an extra 30 cents a day - will that buy enough rice to feed Grady Sizemore down in Winterhaven for a month-?

I don't think so - I'm not asking for Tribe TV - and neither should you. It may be "good business" on their part - but it looks like "shameless greed" on this end. But, hey, that's the wave of the future - Pay-Per-View sports is coming! And when it does - I want to hold stocks in a place where people will flock to watch all of their sports events for FREE ...at BW-3.

Hey, I'm not a Socialist - I enjoy a free market as much as the next guy, whether it be Bud Fox or Gordon Gekko. So it's up to you, as the little guy or gal out there, to do whatever YOU can to survive and make an extra buck or two. Trix are for kids - and so are my stock picks. So do the homework yourself, silly rabbit - and proceed at your own risk.

As far of the future of satellite radio vs. Free FM, all I can say is this: I tried to warn you. But nobody wants to listen until it's too late. It's kind of like that scene from "Batman Begins" where Batman and Ra's Al Ghul are fighting on the runaway train high above Gotham City:

Ra's Al Ghul: "You can't destroy me. It's not in your nature!"

Batman: "You're right. I can't. But I don't have to SAVE YOU either..."

Batman extends his wings and flies off to safety as the train carrying Ra's Al Ghul plummets off the tracks - and into oblivion.

"This whole damn world - can fall apart. You'll be ok, follow your heart. You're in harms way - I'm right behind. Now say you're mine." -- (The New Radicals from the album, "Maybe You've Been Brainwashed")

Transcripts from tonight's episode of "The id and I" will be available when one of my media professors from college steals this post and passes these ideas off as his own on PBS. Send $2.00 with a self-addressed stamp envelope to CSU (Concrete State University).

00-Septic will return in Ian Fleming's "The Man With The Golden Blog."