Big Pimpin' on ESPN for The Notorious W.A.H.O.O. (Or a Scooby-Snack for me and you!)

The id and I - Just like Barry Bond's blog - on steroids!

Opening Day for major league baseball is right around the corner here in Cleveland as The Indians face their major nemesis, The Chicago White Sox, on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball.

Well, at least I'll get to see one Tribe game on TV this season.

Oh, relax. I'm not going to make anymore Larry Dolan jokes ...today. After all, The Cleveland Indians just signed Grady Sizemore to a long-term deal and I couldn't be happier! As Kramer would say about his own malfunctioning corporation, Kramerica:

JERRY SEINFELD: "Say, let me ask you something, Kramer. What exactly do you DO all day down at that office of yours-?"

KRAMER: "T.C.B. - Taking care of business!"

The Indians have done the right thing by signing future superstars, Jhonny Peralta and Grady Sizemore, to long-term Cleveland contracts - but I still want s'mores. We need to get Cliff Lee to "sign on the line which is dotted" as well.

And even though it appears C. C. Sabathia and I share the same "workout regiment" - I truly believe that Cliff Lee is the best pitcher the Tribe do possess at the moment. Sign "Buddy Lee" to a long-term contract - he's going to deserve it!

On a more sour note, we are 15 minutes into "Day 1" of The Barry Bonds - um, I mean baseball - investigation on steroids ...and I'm already sick of it! Look, this isn't some "GNC Da Vinci Code" - it doesn't even take Angela Lansbury to figure out this mystery: IF Barry Bonds used steroids, then his stats are indeed tainted - and it's not fair to the baseball greats that have come and gone before him. It's like debating whether or not Bill Clinton "inhaled" - what the hell is the point-?

Sure, it needs to be dealt with - but I don't need a "feeding frenzy" provided by the mainstream sports media to beat me over the head with these rumors and accusations on a 24/7 Jack Bauer basis - I just need facts.

The media is turning Barry Bonds into "the Paris Hilton of baseball" - and I just don't care anymore. I just want to enjoy baseball, the current crop of Cleveland Indians, and wait for the summer breeze to wash me away to my happy place for the next couple of months - complete with my friends and a cooler full of Blue Moon Belgian Ale by my side.

I'll save my energies for cracking the universal codes on Lost - and whether or not The Green Lantern can use that green power ring of his to whip me up a batch of emerald beer.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy creating my own "Scooby-Doo" mysteries on a limited basis. Someone needs to update those old "Scooby-Doo" movies - and I believe I'm just the man for the job!

Sure, it was great fun as a kid to see Davy Jones unmask the villains at the end of every movie and hear these words:

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "Davy Jones-?!? What are YOU doing here-?"

DAVY JONES: "Hello, kids! How are you-? And my, Velma, you're looking fit!"

SHAGGY: "Like, Zoinks, Mr. Jones - we're, like, just groovy. But aren't you busy touring with The Monkees-?"

DAVY JONES: "Well, as luck would have it, I was just in your neck of the woods visiting The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when I stumbled upon this Snow Ghost fellow terrorizing Cedar Point in Sandusky - and I thought it would be quite quaint to help crack this case of yours-"

But, just like Cleveland, we need to constantly UPDATE and RE-INVENT ourselves as citizens of our fair city on the shores of The Cuyahoga...

That's why I'd like to see a NEW "Scooby-Doo" mystery: Grady Sizemore, Sandy Duncan and The All-American Rejects meet The Taffy Factory Phantoms!

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "Well, kids, we'll let you in on our Dirty Little Secret ...these Phantoms aren't ghosts at all!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "I knew it all along!"

FREDDY: "Gosh, Grady - it looks like you and Sandy Duncan got it right! I guess we owe you a debt of thanks for solving this mystery!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "Aw, shucks - it was nothing!"

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "You know - we helped too. And if it wasn't for the fact that The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were still too obscure, they might have solved this little caper just as easily!"

SANDY DUNCAN (Getting jiggy with it): "Now let's unmask these trio of so-called Phantoms and see who they REALLY are!"

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "It's U2's Bono ...and The Edge ...and (gasping) Ben Broussard! But why-???"

BONO (Sighing): "I thought if we haunted Malley's Chocolates in Cleveland, and scared up some interest in us, we might regain a little more of our dignity that we lost in the last several years by selling out to iTunes..."

EDGE (Sighs): "We foolishly believed the hype surrounding Coldplay - everyone said that they were the NEW U2 - just like Oasis was supposed to be the new Beatles - but that's the liberal media for you!"

BEN BROUSSARD: "And I just followed U2 to the ends of the earth in order to promote my own band at The House of Blues - I was wrong. You crazy kids have shown me the light! From this point forward, I VOW to live up to my talent and be the best first baseman that I can be!"

DAPHNE: "Okay, gang, it looks like we all learned something here today!"

VELMA: "Well, I just have one more question: Does anyone else here think that Rachael Ray on The Food Network is as totally wicked hot as I do-? I mean, in a Judy Jetson sort of way..."

DAPHNE: "Oh, Velma - You're such a BLUE STATE!"

ALL LAUGH. FADE OUT.

So, Cleveland, I'm the man in the box. Get out and support YOUR Cleveland Indians - They are on national television this Sunday night! Go Tribe - and next year the Tribe home-opener will be held right here at Jacob's Field - The crown jewel of Cleveland!

NEXT EPISODE: Tim Conway and The Arctic Monkeys meet The Creeper on Myspace.com.