Wednesday, July 12, 2006

LeBron James is "all in" and "Blue Horseshoe LOVES Endicott Steel..."

"I don't throw darts. I bet on sure things." -- Gordon Gekko, ("Wall Street")

LeBron James is going to be staying in Cleveland until the 2009 - 2010 season and I couldn't be happier! Let the other "Chicken Littles on the Cuyahoga" debate the endless motives of LeBron's refusal to sign a full 5-year deal - me, I'm going to crack open an ice cold bottle of Hoegaarden, light up a Kramer-sized stogie, and count my Monopoly money from writing pointless pop culture dribble and other comedic musings on Teldar paper...

LeBron James is crazy like a "Bud Fox" - and he's going to be my Cleveland neighbor (um, more or less) for four more years. So what's wrong with that-?

While the Cleveland Indians are busy playing "Texas Hold 'em" ...with their private parts, LeBron James is leveraging his talent to force the Cleveland Cavaliers to "ante up" or "fold" after the next four years. If they produce, he'll stay in the game. If they don't he'll walk away - either way, he'll cash in his chips and be a very rich(er) man.

LeBron James is the lastest worldwide phenomenon - living and playing in Cleveland - and everyone is ready to write him off like he's just another Manny Ramirez - and this is just another "manic Monday."

Good and talented people do actually come to Cleveland - it's up to Cleveland whether or not we choose to embrace them - or shun them like the latest round of bird flu we read about in The Weekly World News.

Don't "boo" Jim Thome for leaving town - The Indians could have signed him a few years back by giving him an extra-year on his contract. But they didn't want the marketing potential of having the most beloved player in current Cleveland sports history - the "Bernie Kosar of baseball" - to stick around. Why-? Because they had to pay him ("bad back" and all).

So when it comes to having LeBron as my Cleveland neighbor for four more years, I'll glady throw out my Notre Dame "Welcome" mat to match his dreaded New York Yankees' baseball hat. It beats living next to Scott "There goes the neighborhood!" Sauerbeck, after all.

So crawl out of your caves and tar pits, Cleveland, and take a look around once awhile to see who his living, working and playing in your backyard:

"Hey, there's Braylon Edwards standing in front of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! I wonder if he would be willing to pick up my mail for me while I'm on vacation-? Professional atheletes, much like Hollywood celebrities, are often accessible and accommodating to the common man, after all, aren't they-?"

"You know, I went to Trader Joe's today and guess what-? That nice Anderson Varejao fellow actually recommended a fantastic blend of coffee beans to me over in aisle 3!"

"Wow, isn't that Charlie Frye - signing autographs for well-behaved, non-belligerent fans - on the back deck of Around the Corner-???"

You see: It's always sunny in Cleveland, Ohio! Even if you walk out of your home one fine day and see that the name on the mailbox of your new nextdoor neighbor actually reads: "Pronk!"

Take a few deep breaths and relax, Clevelanders! "Pronk!" just isn't the noise that Bam-Bam's pet dinosaur-kangaroo-thingy made on The Flintstones's also the name of your new "Cleveland neighbor," future MLB All-Star, Travis Hafner!

See - nothing to worry about (But, um, just be SURE to take your recyclables to the curb every Wednesday and keep that damn stereo down - or he'll body slam you from "off the top rope" of your backyard patio deck...).

Welcome home, LeBron James!

"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies. Choking on your alibi. But it’s just the price I pay - Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes ...‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside!"


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