Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Raiders of The Lost Snark

"Comedy is something that can bring persecutors and tyrants to their knees." -- Mel Brooks

Not to go all "Alanis Morissette" on you, but ...Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, for an incredible season! It just shows you, Cleveland, what some "fresh blood and new ideas" can do for a sports franchise - and a town - as a whole.

It may not be as "artisitically stimulating" as street mimes doing somersaults through laser beams set to The Cleveland Orchestra, but LeBron James is an artist in his own way - and the basketball court is his canvas.

I guess that would make this blog a box of Crayola crayons!

Nevertheless, kudos to Dan Gilbert for bringing his deep pockets and commitment to winning to Cleveland. Why would LeBron James want to go anywhere else - when he, in fact, has brought the world Cleveland.

New York City is the biggest media market in the world, yet the Knicks are in laughable shambles thanks to owner, James Dolan. Dolan, as owner of the Knicks, is solely responsible for bringing Larry Brown to ...New ...York. Waitaminute.

James Dolan-? Dolan-??? Where have I heard that name before...?

SWEET MOTHER, there's another one out there! Don't I have my hands full as it is - tackling the owner of the Tribe, Larry Dolan, on a daily basis! Now you're telling me the owner of The Cleveland Indians has an "evil twin" running around somewhere in New York, too! (One twin is thrifty, the other twin throws money at problems, but both are equally inept in the world of sports ownership!)

It's just like that episode of the old "Spider-Man" cartoon - where those two rogue acrobats (turned jewel thieves) dressed up in black Spider-Man costumes to create "double the trouble" for our friendly neighborhood web-slinger - and they framed him for a bank robbery he didn't commit (Yeah - it's, um, just like that).

Well, Larry Dolan has stolen our Cleveland Indians - and I want them back! "Stop THIEF!" And while we're at it, hand over Coco Crisp, Brandon Phillips and Bob Howry, too, you masher!

I don't need "a roundtable of sports sycophants" to show and tell me how lucky we are that the Indians aren't The Kansas City Royals. Gee, there's a winning philosophy, Ziggy!

If I wanted to be sold "a bill of goods," I'd buy a Ford from Grady Sizemore.

Okay, well, I see my time for this session is up, and my therapist is coming over to sedate me now...

So where was I-? Oh, yes! Thank you, Cleveland Cavaliers, for the best sports season since the Indians went to The World Series - TWICE (under Dick Jacobs). Now if we could only trade Larry Dolan ...for cash.

ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF WEB-RANTS: The Director of Public Relations for The Cleveland Indians joins our roundtable discussion as a "guest journalist" to "critique" the very team he works for - oh, no, wait. That would be just idiotic, wouldn't it...???

The id and I - "It's bananas!" (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)


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