Toobin' The Tube: Are the castaways on "Lost" just some Sea Monkeys for space aliens?

So I guess I am supposed to write some thesis on "Lost" or something, seeing that I have been tagged "the pop culture kid" by The Others on the opposite end of this "remote" cyber-island (there certainly does seem to be an unusually large number of lit torches surrounding my camp, as of late).

But that's neither here nor there...

Summer. There's no better time to live in Ohio - unless, of course, you are a fan of the hot and cold Cleveland Indians. In which case, there's no better time to hit the open road in search of ...other "Adventures in Babysitting."

Chief Wiggum on "Talkin' Tribe" to The Indians Vice-President of Public Relations: "Um, Ralphie, you can get off the stage now, sweetheart." ("My Indians made an ouchie!")

So I called my travel agent at Roswell Airlines and was on my merry way - to Austin, Texas-? Or Notre Dame, Indiana-? Or Chicago, Illinois-? Or maybe all of the above. The id and I is nothing, if not mobile...

"The hatch" has been blown sky high, we have crawled down inside to discover it's secrets, and "the code" no longer needs to be mindlessly punched into the computer before hitting the "EXECUTE" button (to avoid another "incident").

But enough about my former job at Arthur Andersen - and the school of journalism building that followed it. Time to go Semisonic now because it's "Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Let's get back to getting "Lost" - shall we?

Since we last chatted up our beach-bound band of misfits, Shannon, Ana-Lucia and Libby have all (literally) bit the dust. I sure hope the survivors of Flight 815 found a bunch of "Dharma-brand caskets" down in that pantry of theirs - because the body count on Mystery Island is really starting to pile up!

Michael found boy ("Walt"). Then lost boy ("Walt"). Then found boy again ("Walt!!!"). Locke found his religion (sorry "TomKat," not Scientology ...um, I don't think). Lost his religion (sorry R.E.M.). Then found his religion again (still not Scientology, Travolta!).

Desmond came back on his boat (and on a drinking-binge to end all drinking binges) which sets up a nice flashback-homage to "Planet of The Apes" as he smashed his roommate's skull on the rocks of the nearby shore (Talk about your roommates from hell - I guess his roomie, Kelvin, must have been late with The Hatch rent-check or something!).

The only thing that was missing was a half-buried Statue of Liberty in the sand.

Kramer: "Hey, Elaine, you're pretty smart. Is it statue or statute-?"

Elaine: "It's STATUTE!"

Kramer: "Oh, no - I really think you're wrong!!!"

But the fact remains: There was a statue. A statue of a giant foot with four toes. Begging the question from Sayid: "Dude ...WTF???" (Translated from his native Iraqi tongue ...I think.)

Meanwhile, sitting on the dock of the bay, Jack, Kate and Sawyer were left as hostages of "The Others" while Hurley was told to "hit the bricks, pal, because you are going ...OUT!" Jack took that time, meanwhile, in his last moments of freedom to steal a page from Han Solo's playbook and blink to gal-pal, Kate: "I love you." Princess Kate blinked back in a coy fashion: "I know" as third-wheel Sawyer snarled off to the side in disgust (McEditor's note: Hey, back off man ...I'm a Communications major!).

So what does this all mean-? Oh, who the hell knows! All I know is that I'm on summer break, tanned, buzzed, and looking for my next Blue Moon Belgian Ale from our Tiki Bar waitress out here in... well, it really doesn't matter in "the grand scheme of things." I just hope that somebody remembers to come over and feed my Pet Rock, "Sprinkles," on a timely basis while I am away...

The only thing the season-finale of "Lost" has really shown me is that ...there is an actual "world" outside of "the island."

Meanwhile, I'm on holiday, sunning myself on some rock like Patty and Selma's beloved iguana, "Jug-Jug," and writing my baggy-pants farce/one-man play: "Wahoo's on First? A Comedy of Errors starring The Cleveland Indians!"

Coming soon ...to an abandoned hatch near you! (Dharma-brand buttered popcorn sold separately.)