Monday, January 22, 2007

Bill Parcells: "Big Tuna" retires from the Cowboys; goes to that big 'StarKist' stadium in the sky

Everything's big in Texas: Bill Parcells (a.k.a. "Big Tuna" shown here on the left and wrapped in his "Flavor Fresh Pouch") has officially retired as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys today.

DALLAS, Texas (Associated id) - Bill Parcells is out as coach of the Cowboys - and he's taking his oversized man-girdle with him.

However, there is still no word from Dallas sources if former apprentice, Bill Belichick, hugged him on the way out the door.

As many football insiders are aware, Belichick is infamous for witholding hugs when things don't "go his way" - as Peyton Manning painfully learned yesterday after the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New England Patriots, 38-34, in the AFC Championship game.

The quarterback of the Colts did, however, manage to playfully rub Belichick's belly "for good luck" in passing on Manning's way to his first Super Bowl appearance - as the "hooded hobo from New England" grumbled, shuffled and scowled his way off the field.

Although Belichick was visibly upset, some words were exchanged between Belichick and Manning, before (reports indicate) the coach returned to his refrigerator box home on the side of the highway.

PEYTON MANNING: "Hey, Bill, that was a heck of a game, huh, coach?"

BILL BELICHICK: "Hug off!!!"

How the retirement of his former mentor, Parcells, actually affects Belichick in any professional way, shape or form is anyone's guess. But as one insider from the Patriots' organization noted: "Um, Bill Belichick takes EVERYTHING personally..."

Reactions from the rest of the Dallas Cowboys are varied and mixed at this time. However, wide receiver Terrell Owens did comment that he was quite distraught about Parcell's departure.

T.O. even indicated that he might go as far as to fake his own death - in a last-ditch attempt to get his old coach back in training camp again. Or was that just last night's episode of Desperate Housewives I'm thinking of ...?

Regardless, the Dallas Cowboys are now without a coach, as Bill Parcells has officially left the building ...and was immediately carjacked by a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michael Vick's water bottle contributed to this article.


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