Oscar The Grouch Blows The Lid Off of "Lost" and Melts His Own Icy Heart in the Process

The Id and I - "Blow the hatch off, crawl down the ladder into my private bunker and let's go all J.D. Salinger together, shall we-? (P.S. - Bring pizza and beer!!!)"

So, I was down at the Cleveland Cinematheque this week to be the first in line to preview a screening of Kieslowski's Three Color Trilogy: Blue/White/Red. No ...I'm kidding!!! What kind of crack pipe was your momma smoking, crack baby-? Obviously, I was home on Wednesday night watching the season premiere of Lost...

Come on, what else would I be doing-? Watching the series finale of Dancing With The Stars...??? Please - the only dancing I'm interested in is done by myself - with lots of smoke and mirrors - to the tune of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" down at The Velvet Dog - anything other than that and I'm not interested! Hey, at least I wasn't watching sports (never let it be said that I'm not "well-rounded").

Anyway, we here at The Id and I are gigantic fans of Lost. It's hard not to be with all the talk of "fate" and "destiny" and "invisible island monsters who double as security systems." I mean, the creators of this show must of had a picture of ME up on their Power Point presentations when they were pitching this show to the network and trying to figure out their target demographic.

ABC Executives: "So, it's a show about a bunch of beautiful, scantily-clad people who crash-land on a mysterious island with invisible monsters, and nobody knows what the hell is going on because it's a constant mystery wrapped in a riddle where each question is answered with another question on a weekly basis. It sounds completely implausible - who's going to watch this crap...???"

J.J. Abrams (Pointing to a picture of my face in the middle of a bullseye with his pointer): "McVetta ...McVetta WILL watch!"

And then the ABC Executives gasp with delight as they clap their greedy hands with glee...

"Lost" is the coolest - and best - show on television ...and Matthew Fox just keeps proving my point that the Emmy voters goofed when they did not nominate him for Best Actor - Dr. Jack is the glue that holds that shaky island together!

And let's not forget Kate - To quote "Max" from Hart to Hart: "She's gorgeous - she's one lady who really knows how to take care of herself!"

I was so entranced by that damn hatch and the hole it led down to - I didn't even realize that they were saving Sawyer and the gang on the raft for ...next week. It just goes to show you why J.J. Abrams and company are the BEST storytellers on television right now!

And let's not forget about those fabulous flashback sequences, eh-? They bring to life the beautiful idiosyncracies of every character on a weekly basis, each one more impressive - and engaging - than the next.

It reminds me of one of my own futile flashbacks - to a simpler time, when I was working for Scene Magazine back in the late '90's. I had just gotten "the call" to the editor's bullpen where I was sat down to face my own delusional demons head-on.

"Chris," the editor at that time told me. "Chris ...we don't want you making fun of Dick Feagler anymore in your articles..."

"What-???" I gushed with disbelief. "Why not-? Dick Feagler is Cleveland comedy gold!"

"Well, be that as it may, Chris," the editor continued solemnly. "It can't continue-"

"Awww, geez," I gave my best Archie Bunker groan. "Well, can you at least tell me WHY-?"

"The thing is, Chris," the editor shifted dramatically in his seat. "We got a call from Feagler's people - and they just don't like it. You know, mocking him."

"Dick Feagler has people...?!?" I gasped in horror. "But - I - I don't understand. I thought journalists had a sense of humor about themselves!" I went on to babble like some journalistic Bambi on holiday.

"Well, you see, Chris, the thing is ...they don't," the editor enlightened me. "And we don't want you to do it anymore. Case closed."

And it was then and there that I had my moment of Zen - where I leaned forward as seriously and solemnly as someone wearing an "I'm With Stupid -->" T-Shirt could in that situation - and proclaimed to my editor, to Scene Magazine, and to the entire world of Cleveland journalism: "I'm going to fix you."

And, of course, I didn't. But I did go on to crash-land on my own little cyber-island of wonder and amazement where I was subsequently, just like the survivors on Lost, never heard from again...

"You gotta - Make your own kind of music. Sing your own special song. Make your own kind of music. Even if ...nobody else ...sings along!"