Friday, April 14, 2006

Sorry, Charlie! But I just found a Golden Ticket in my "Pronk Candy Bar" ('Cause I ain't no holla back blog! I ain't no holla back blog!)

The id and I - Donald Trump says we're going to be a big success ("Now, go on, get out of here - go - out!")

So I was watching The Sports Time Ohio Network the other day - the night the lights went out in Tribe Town. And, sure, I thought the same thing you were all thinking: If Larry Dolan can remember to pay Grady Sizemore and Jhonny Peralta - then why can't he remember to pay his own electric bill-???

But I'm sure there was a very logical explanation for the STO Death Star's power outage - like the Ewoks blew it up or something. But, thankfully, the power came back on and the show did go on. I have nothing against STO - it's pretty good so far (at least until they raise the rates on my cable bill).

I just got some extra time during the blackout to gather my thoughts and think about how time marches on: Grady Sizemore has become the "new" Kenny Lofton, Jhonny Peralta is the next Omar Vizquel, Victor Martinez is filling the rather large shoes of Sandy Alomar, and Travis Hafner looks like the long-lost son of our hometown hero, Jim Thome.

I fondly remember standing on the steps of the work-in-progress known only as Jacob's Field during my stint as sports editor for my college newspaper at Cleveland State University - and how I felt like John Locke discovering the mysterious "hatch" on Lost for the very first time... what is this thing-?

But I'm still not sure about my own future in the Cleveland Universe, however - am I next Conan O'Brien-? The next Mitch Albom-? Just some schmoe with a blog-? Or the next "Super Host" in a long line of multimedia Ziggy's-??? Maybe all or none of the above...

I really can't blame The Cleveland Indians and their owner for trying to make a(nother) buck - I'm just as shameless as they are in a lot of ways.

I've recently added some Google ads to my beloved blog, which I'm sure is causing "The Bubble Boy" from Seinfeld to turn over in his bubble and shout out: "What a sell-out!"

But I'm not cut out for the "working world" - in the conventional dollars and sense. I've tried to get a "grown-up" job over the years and it just never seemed to work out. I remember interviewing with Liggett-Stashower a few years back as an advertising copywriter. When the creative director asked me about advertisements that I liked best, I enthusiastically responded: "The Sports Center ones from ESPN - those are great! Just absolutely brilliant in my mind! The blending of comedy with self-deprecating humor that turned their anchors into clever cartoonish characters on the small screen was pure genius..."

And that's when the creative director just sort of rolled his eyes and sighed: "Well, that's all well and good on a larger landscape - but we're looking for ideas that hit their target on a local level. You know, stuff that resonates with the people of Cleveland. Things like the jingles used for Schwebel's bread or Ruggle's ice cream... stuff like that."

With that, I packed up "my stuff," thanked "the man" for "the opportunity," and proceeded on my merry way. I knew then and there that if I was ever going to do anything in this town, that I was going to have to do it my way ...or no way at all (quote the Loverboy nevermore).

So, here I go (again) - on my own. Going down the only road I've ever know. Like a moth to the flame - like a banker to The Barenaked Ladies' concert at Blossom. Back to the future, I sit and ponder what to do to get my comedy flux capacitor back in gear.

Sure, I could add one of those "tip jars" to my blog - but those just seem to be the 21st century equivalent of a "cyber-panhandler" (not that there's anything wrong with that!). But it just doesn't seem right (for me, at least) - it feels too much like that homeless guy who stands underneath the digital clock at Huntington Bank begging for money before he calls it a day - and probably heads home to his estate in Pepper Pike and large-screen Plasma TV - to count his change.

So, instead, I sell my soul to Google and tell my readers: "It puts the Google ads on it's skin, or it gets the hose again!!!"

I guess the bottom line is this: It's not about the money. Sure, I like capitalism as much as the next guy. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to roll around in a big pile of green money to entertain the masses. But, honestly, I just enjoy the art of writing and comedy. Whether it's sitting around with my friends at a local sports bar, drinking and laughing about the everyday absurdities of our world - or on a slightly larger level. As long as I can pay my bar bill at the end of the night, and I don't end up living under a bridge, eating discarded fishbones off the lid of a garbage can like Sylvester the Cat, it's all good with me!

But, on the other hand, while playing this pointless game of Cleveland Chutes N' Ladders - I don't intend to end up stuck in the Butterscotch Swamp as I navigate my way through this Cuyahoga Candy Land of Doom (tm)...

At this time, a lot of "media people" I know would probably be wise to step in front of one of those new Cleveland trolleys and wait to get knocked into tomorrow - and the last thing they would see is a banner for The Great Lakes Brewing Co. coming at them, sternly stating: "HOLY MOSES! DRINK OUR FRESHLY-BREWED BELGIAN ALE RESPONSIBLY - AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE!"

But that's not me - I enjoy my life too much (on every level). And that includes writing as well.

So, in my marvelous world, I choose to let my imagination do all the work - and let things come to me. In my Marvel Universe, I have faith that Travis Hafner would "Hulk out" at the last minute and toss that Cleveland trolley out of the way before it turns me into ranting road kill.

McMe: "Travis Hafner! You - you saved my life!"

TRAVIS HAFNER: "Pronk smash puny humans - and their tiny trolleys! PRONK SMASH!!!"

McMe: "Oh, Incredible Pronk - how can I ever repay you-?"

TRAVIS HAFNER: "Pronk no like Larry Dolan jokes - make Pronk angry! Fill Pronk with rage! You make Larry Dolan jokes no more!"

McMe: "Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever, dude!"

And, with that, I imagine "The Incredible Pronk" would bounce off into the Cleveland skyline - leaving me to, once again, gather my thoughts and assess my place in The Universe.

Hey, what can I say-? It's a living! (Thanks for stopping by The id and I! We thank you for your patronage!)

"I knew you - before the west was won. And I, heard you - say the past was much more fun! You go your way, I go mine - but I'll see you next time. It's all been done! Woo hoo hoo! It's all been done! Woo hoo hoo! It's all been done - before..."


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