Monday, April 17, 2006

The Last Temptation of Chris

"I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier. I got soul, but I'm not a soldier..."

So, I'd just like to take a few moments and wish anybody and everybody a happy holiday! Although I'm sure there are a potpourri of different "beliefs" amongst my core group of readers, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on my own family, our religious convinctions, and how we, as a McFamily, celebrated this holiday weekend...

Got the family together to participate in our pre-holiday "religious customs." After consulting with our beloved and trusted family witch doctor down at our local parish, we are strongly advised to sacrifice a virgin, by tossing her into a volcano to "appease a vengeful god," Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld (the Notorious General S.O.D.).

We enjoy a pre-brunch celebration and luncheon by discussing some spirited "science vs. faith" issues of the day, including my strong belief that, "Gravity, schmavity! The Earth is flat, and we all know it! Now please pass the tater tots..."

After we paste some leeches on my sickly supermodel sister to cure her bulemia, we are off to recreate The Immaculate Conception - we kidnap Kellie Pickler, an American Idol contestant, and impregnate her with Barry Manilow's love child, successfully completing the "final task" of our Scientology Scavenger Hunt!

Read some passages and sing some hymns from "The Good Book" - the good book being "The Da Vinci Code." (If our good book doesn't make The New York Times' Bestseller List, or Tom Hanks isn't starring in it, we ain't buying it!)

Watch repeated viewings of our favorite religious movie, The Lord of The Rings, with hushed anticipation - and jubilation - as Gandalf the Grey ressurects into Gandalf the White Wizard!

Shall scream out "The New Testament" feverishly from The King LeBron James Bible: "Thou Shall Not Showboat - Unless The Game Is On The Line - Then Take The Damn Shot!"

Finally, we enjoy a scrumptious holiday feast as a family ...down at the Wal-Mart food court ...before "passing over" into The Electronics Department for big, BIG savings.

The id and I - Chicken Soup for The Satirical Soul.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight - Losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you. And I don't know if I can do it. Oh no, I've said too much. I haven't said enough..."


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