Friday, April 21, 2006

Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as "Blood Flows Red on The Death Trolley" and "Et tu, Brutus Buckeye-?"

The id and I - Can't drive 55!

So seeing as we are about to be entering "Tiki Bar season" here on The McWeather Channel, I'll keep this post short - like the pitching career of Danny Graves.

I've said it before, I'll (sigh) say it again: Cliff Lee is THE BEST STARTING PITCHER on The Cleveland Indians right now (with or without C.C. Sabathia in the lineup). Not Jake Westbrook. Not Fausto Carmona. But, yes, Cliff Lee - So I'm sorry if you don't feel I'm "qualified" to say that. But I don't have the time nor the patience to fly around in a traffic helicopter for the next 15 years of my life to prove the point...

KRAMER: "The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus!"


GEORGE COSTANZA: "You're Batman!"

KRAMER: "Yeah, yeah - I am Batman! Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop."

JERRY: "You kept making all the stops-?"

KRAMER: "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

Speaking of, what the hell is going on in downtown Cleveland-? Some guy gets attacked on one of these new trolleys and the "crackhead media" shows the footage about fifty times or so on the nightly local news-? Yeah, I know, I was a media major at CSU (Concrete State University) - so I know "The Golden Rule" of broadcasting: "If it bleeds, it leads." But even I thought that footage was excessive and unnecessary! And I watch The Shield!

Then you get the atypical "corporate goon" with his "Wink Martindale smile" (Go ahead and Google, "Wink Martindale," kids!) telling everyone that the trolleys are truly safe because they are all equipped with these cameras on board - you know, the cameras that captured the first stabbing on tape and was replayed to us over and over again.

Gee, that makes me feel so much better! At least when I have a butcher's knife sticking out of the side of my neck will be caught on tape. Maybe the RTA can put the picture of my "little trolley adventure" in a Cedar Point keepsake locket for me, so I can cherish and remember it forever.

I understand that there is crime and violence in every city - but don't "play if off" like it's no big deal by putting your stupid "Ryan Seacrest Let's Get Happy Spin" on it.

It's enough to make me want to grab my TIVO and cooler of Blue Moon Belgian Ale and go live in a cave somewhere...

Speaking of TIVO, I just watched the 2-hour return of Alias - and it kicked ass! Jennifer Garner and company were back in a big way, including her double-agent TV mom, Lena Olin, who was smoking! What other show could produce lines like the one Victor Garber uttered to his daughter, Sydney, as he hands her a gun: "Cover your mother. And if she tries anything ...shoot her."

Finally, unless you have been living in a cave, the NFL Draft is on the way - and The Cleveland Browns are on the clock! I'd like to see The Brownies draft Chad Greenway (LB, Iowa) with their #12 pick. Obviously, A.J. Hawk from THE Ohio State University would be THE favorite choice for Cleveland fans - but it would cost too much to trade up for him, and the Browns have too many needs. But, you never know...

That being said, I wouldn't mind at all if they drafted Santonio Holmes, the wide receiver from OSU. Even though the Browns need defense desperately, and wide reciever is the last position they need to draft (again), I can't help but believe that Santonio Holmes is going to be a shining superstar in the NFL.

Oh yeah - did I happen to mention that LeBron is da bomb-? Go CAVS!! (And happy Earth Day!) Now, if you will excuse me, I think I hear my trolley coming...


At 2:38 PM, Blogger John Ettorre said...

Let's keep our fingers crossed for the Cavs, Chris. And I LOVED that sublime crack in your previous post about the King Lebron James Bible. That was inspired wordplay. I think I'll steal that line, trying my best to remember to credit you.

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Chris McVetta said...

Thanks, John. I think the national media is underestimating The Cavs - just the way I like it - as "The Underdog."


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