Super Blah XLI: Prince isn't going to sing that "Batdance" song at halftime, is he-???
Adam Vinatieri (photo, shown left): That "idiot kicker" better not embarrass his quarterback (Ryan Leaf, not shown) on Super Bowl Sunday, that's all I've got to say!
CLEVELAND, Ohio (Associated id) - So is there some "big event" going on today that I'm not aware of-? No, seriously, what is it? The People's Choice Awards or something ...?
The last time I turned on the television was to watch "24" - and instead of finding Jack Bauer saving the world (again) from some wayward Amish Scientologists with a nuclear bomb - all I got was Travis Hafner lecturing me about how I should get off my lazy ass and start working out at "Fitworks."
Damn it, he was right: I had grown sedentary. So that's when the ugly truth hit me: Travis Hafner might not be able to act his way out of a paper bag ...but he was right. Pronk's always right.
I know that "working out" on the morning of "Super Bowl Sunday" shouldn't involve a bucket of buffalo wings and a tub of blue cheese for dippin' ...but it probably will. And unless those sinister Amish Scientologists on "24" blow it off the face of the earth ..."Fitworks" will always be there tomorrow, won't it-?
So at the risk of offending Mr. Hafner (and his acting coach) I'm making the "brave choice" to let myself (and my flabby abs) get swept away in the tidal wave of Super Bowl pre-game hype today.
But what's a Super Bowl without a party (for hootin' and hollerin' no less), huh-? And the bigger the TV screen - the better! Yep, it's times like these, you need to know who your friends are ...and their personal net worth, as well.
A "liberal arts major" with a black-and-white Goldstar TV (and some rabbit ears) is just not going to cut it on Super Bowl Sunday, my friends! Better to open up the old college yearbook right to the "Investment Banking" section, if you catch my drift.
I majored in Communications ...so I'll bring the Cheetos!
Regardless, even if your television isn't dripping with high-definition plasma, there is still plenty of drama to keep you glued to your substandard set:
* Will Peyton Manning win his first Super Bowl?
Huh. I guess that's pretty much it. How the hell do the media outlets stretch two weeks of 24/7 hype out of ...that?
Well, I guess that's why Mitch Albom gets all the good gigs - while I'm stuck here writing for The Phantom Zone Tribune.
"Da Bears" are "Da Snooze." Colts are probably going to lose. Brett Favre will most likely interrupt the game with some "major announcement" like The National Dairy Council recommends 3-servings of cheese a day - and, oh yeah, "I'll be back."
And I'm absolutely positive that Prince was a great choice to perform at The Super Bowl halftime show ...if this was 1985.
So, not to go "all Joe Namath on you," but here's my pre-Beligan ale game day prediction before I slip into "Suze, I wanna kiss you!" mode:
Colts - 27, Bears - 24.
No Amish Scientologists were harmed in the making of this article.