Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Me

Well, I know this news might send some of you into cardiac arrest, but here it goes anyway: I have become a "gym rat." Yes, you heard me correctly. I am addicted to working out at the gym now - have been for the past several weeks.

In fact, I actually beat the gym manager to the front doors this morning before he had a chance to unlock them - go figure! The early bird gets the burn. I know, I know: I probably should have gotten a photograph to publish on the cover of Weekly World News or something for authenticity.

Regardless of your suspended disbelief, I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably going to need a "superhero body" if I'm going to start kicking ass and taking names (so to speak). Let's face it: We live in a visual society and people seem to like some eye candy to go along with their sidedish of laughs - so I might as well give the masses what the want out in the public forum!

Actually, that's a truckload of Kentucky Derby crap. I'm doing this for me. You see, when I told you all that I was going "back to the drawing board" - I probably should have clarified that the same old drawing board was actually located in a new School of Rock.

Sure, I could always make excuses about becoming some disgusting blob ...but talk is cheap, right? Well, I've LOST 22 lbs. - and counting!

So even though I always seem to be two steps behind "my esteemed colleagues," I usually seem to get there (someway) in the end, don't I?

And, no, don't worry: They haven't killed "Fun Chris." Believe me, "Fun Chris" still exists on many levels. Let's just say, we're making a few much-needed "modifications" to the original model...

"It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage."

Whatever the case, I've always (as you are well aware) loved to eat, drink and be merry. And at 6 feet 4 inches tall, I seemed to be able to get away with packing on the pounds here and there at times, from Cleveland State to The Second City, through thick and thin. It's just those damn "commitment issues" of mine that always kept me from signing up at the gym before now.

Well, that - and the fact that signing a contract with a gym is worse than buying a used car these days (and you need to bring along a high-priced team of lawyers to avoid getting fleeced by the Fitness Mafia, it seems). Hey, Hans and Franz, I just want to pay the fee and go!

But, of course, that would be just a little too easy, right? Instead, I get the wind-up and the "sales pitch" before I can sign on the line which is dotted. More years, more money, first month, last month, membeship fee, registration fee, etc., ad nauseam.

"So," the salesperson says innocently, "I see by the (Cleveland) Indians shirt you're wearing that you're a Tribe fan, huh?" Points to the poster of their certain #48 half-donkey, half-prospect spokesperson on the wall. "It's the ninth inning. Game is tied. There are two outs and the bases are loaded and Travis is up to bat. So, what do you think Pronk would do in this situation? What would YOU do...?"

"Oh, well I know the answer to that one!" I reply in a rather assured fashion. "As someone who drafted Pronk in the 3rd round of my fantasy baseball draft, I can absolutely, definitely, positively TELL YOU what Pronk would DO in this situation... you see, as manager of my fantasy baseball team ("The Blue Moon Blobs") which is, COINCIDENTALLY, currently two spots out of the proverbial basement in my league, thanks partly to Pronk and that piece of driftwood he swings called a bat... I KNOW what Pronk would do! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT PRONK WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION ...I have my freaking Ph.D. in Pronk! I'm a DH hitting .213, HEAR ME ROAR!!!"

Well, needless to say, I buckled like a belt and signed the contract. I probably need to address my "anger issues" next, but one baby step at a time, right? So, sure, nobody is going to figure it all out in one day. True dat. And slumps don't last forever...

Like a classic episode of Lost, this is "The Shape of Things To Come."

"Someday I'll fly ...Someday I'll soar ...Someday I'll be something much more. Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for..."