Friday, March 31, 2006

Big Pimpin' on ESPN for The Notorious W.A.H.O.O. (Or a Scooby-Snack for me and you!)

The id and I - Just like Barry Bond's blog - on steroids!

Opening Day for major league baseball is right around the corner here in Cleveland as The Indians face their major nemesis, The Chicago White Sox, on ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball.

Well, at least I'll get to see one Tribe game on TV this season.

Oh, relax. I'm not going to make anymore Larry Dolan jokes After all, The Cleveland Indians just signed Grady Sizemore to a long-term deal and I couldn't be happier! As Kramer would say about his own malfunctioning corporation, Kramerica:

JERRY SEINFELD: "Say, let me ask you something, Kramer. What exactly do you DO all day down at that office of yours-?"

KRAMER: "T.C.B. - Taking care of business!"

The Indians have done the right thing by signing future superstars, Jhonny Peralta and Grady Sizemore, to long-term Cleveland contracts - but I still want s'mores. We need to get Cliff Lee to "sign on the line which is dotted" as well.

And even though it appears C. C. Sabathia and I share the same "workout regiment" - I truly believe that Cliff Lee is the best pitcher the Tribe do possess at the moment. Sign "Buddy Lee" to a long-term contract - he's going to deserve it!

On a more sour note, we are 15 minutes into "Day 1" of The Barry Bonds - um, I mean baseball - investigation on steroids ...and I'm already sick of it! Look, this isn't some "GNC Da Vinci Code" - it doesn't even take Angela Lansbury to figure out this mystery: IF Barry Bonds used steroids, then his stats are indeed tainted - and it's not fair to the baseball greats that have come and gone before him. It's like debating whether or not Bill Clinton "inhaled" - what the hell is the point-?

Sure, it needs to be dealt with - but I don't need a "feeding frenzy" provided by the mainstream sports media to beat me over the head with these rumors and accusations on a 24/7 Jack Bauer basis - I just need facts.

The media is turning Barry Bonds into "the Paris Hilton of baseball" - and I just don't care anymore. I just want to enjoy baseball, the current crop of Cleveland Indians, and wait for the summer breeze to wash me away to my happy place for the next couple of months - complete with my friends and a cooler full of Blue Moon Belgian Ale by my side.

I'll save my energies for cracking the universal codes on Lost - and whether or not The Green Lantern can use that green power ring of his to whip me up a batch of emerald beer.

In the meantime, I'll enjoy creating my own "Scooby-Doo" mysteries on a limited basis. Someone needs to update those old "Scooby-Doo" movies - and I believe I'm just the man for the job!

Sure, it was great fun as a kid to see Davy Jones unmask the villains at the end of every movie and hear these words:

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "Davy Jones-?!? What are YOU doing here-?"

DAVY JONES: "Hello, kids! How are you-? And my, Velma, you're looking fit!"

SHAGGY: "Like, Zoinks, Mr. Jones - we're, like, just groovy. But aren't you busy touring with The Monkees-?"

DAVY JONES: "Well, as luck would have it, I was just in your neck of the woods visiting The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when I stumbled upon this Snow Ghost fellow terrorizing Cedar Point in Sandusky - and I thought it would be quite quaint to help crack this case of yours-"

But, just like Cleveland, we need to constantly UPDATE and RE-INVENT ourselves as citizens of our fair city on the shores of The Cuyahoga...

That's why I'd like to see a NEW "Scooby-Doo" mystery: Grady Sizemore, Sandy Duncan and The All-American Rejects meet The Taffy Factory Phantoms!

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "Well, kids, we'll let you in on our Dirty Little Secret ...these Phantoms aren't ghosts at all!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "I knew it all along!"

FREDDY: "Gosh, Grady - it looks like you and Sandy Duncan got it right! I guess we owe you a debt of thanks for solving this mystery!"

GRADY SIZEMORE: "Aw, shucks - it was nothing!"

THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS: "You know - we helped too. And if it wasn't for the fact that The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were still too obscure, they might have solved this little caper just as easily!"

SANDY DUNCAN (Getting jiggy with it): "Now let's unmask these trio of so-called Phantoms and see who they REALLY are!"

THE SCOOBY-DOO GANG: "It's U2's Bono ...and The Edge ...and (gasping) Ben Broussard! But why-???"

BONO (Sighing): "I thought if we haunted Malley's Chocolates in Cleveland, and scared up some interest in us, we might regain a little more of our dignity that we lost in the last several years by selling out to iTunes..."

EDGE (Sighs): "We foolishly believed the hype surrounding Coldplay - everyone said that they were the NEW U2 - just like Oasis was supposed to be the new Beatles - but that's the liberal media for you!"

BEN BROUSSARD: "And I just followed U2 to the ends of the earth in order to promote my own band at The House of Blues - I was wrong. You crazy kids have shown me the light! From this point forward, I VOW to live up to my talent and be the best first baseman that I can be!"

DAPHNE: "Okay, gang, it looks like we all learned something here today!"

VELMA: "Well, I just have one more question: Does anyone else here think that Rachael Ray on The Food Network is as totally wicked hot as I do-? I mean, in a Judy Jetson sort of way..."

DAPHNE: "Oh, Velma - You're such a BLUE STATE!"


So, Cleveland, I'm the man in the box. Get out and support YOUR Cleveland Indians - They are on national television this Sunday night! Go Tribe - and next year the Tribe home-opener will be held right here at Jacob's Field - The crown jewel of Cleveland!

NEXT EPISODE: Tim Conway and The Arctic Monkeys meet The Creeper on

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Who's Your Paddy-?

The id and I - Kegs, green eggs ...and a ham.

In case you've been living under a shamrock or something, then you probably know we are rapidly approaching my favorite holiday of the year - St. Patrick's Day!!!

Some people might say that St. Paddy's Day is just a "Martin Luther King Day ...for drunks." But I beg to differ - St. Patrick's Day is just not some Hallmark-subsidized psuedo-holiday for amateur alcoholics. St. Paddy's Day is a fine tradition that brings out the social interaction and community fabric in a way no other holiday dares to do so (In other words, it's okay to get a little inebriated and hug strangers - even if you end up looking like Paula Abdul from American Idol after "a long day at the office" - if you catch my drift).

This is my favorite time of year in Cleveland, outside of opening day at Jacob's Field (soon to renamed "A-B-C Check Cashing Field," I'm sure). It's one of the few times here in town that brings Clevelanders together - east, west, north and south - and makes us feel good about ourselves for a day, as a community.

And you can talk all you want about how Cleveland "tries too hard" to be like other towns - but I don't want to hear it, Chester! Chicago has to dump food coloring into their river every St. Paddy's Day to turn it green - but we here in Cleveland already have a Cuyahoga river that is naturally green every single day of the year. Take that, Chicago!

And, sure, the parade route is moving this year (unlike every other year) from Eucild to Superior Avenue - but I don't care if I have to go all "Jack Bauer" on everybody's asses, the parade party route on Euclid Avenue - and, more importantly, 24 hours of March Madness - will go on! (I will not - REPEAT - will not abandon my favorite St. Paddy's Day hangouts in their dire hour of need!).

No Rascal House-? No Flannery's-? No Panini's at E. 9th street outside the Jake-? No Otto Moser's-??? I won't have it people! Erin go ...blah.

The St. Patrick's Day parade in Cleveland without Otto Moser's is like sex without the orgasm...

And with all apologies to that ass-kissing "Inside The Actor's Studio" guy, I hope I don't have to go "all Kiefer Sutherland" - and talk really loud and really fast - with the Cleveland clock ticking in the background:


So, will some in the local media keep try to put "a positive spin" on this new Superior Avenue St. Paddy's Day parade because it's "good for Cleveland"-? Perhaps. But, as always, don't expect me to go along for the ride...

To quote Jack Bauer: "Let me make something perfectly clear: I DON'T WORK FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

And now for my next trick, Ladies and Gents: Watch me pull Joe Jurevicius out of a hat!

"I'm in the sky tonight. There I can keep by your side. Watching the wide world riot and hiding out - I'll be coming home next year..."

YES! The Cleveland Browns have signed wide receiver, Joe Jurevicius, to a multi-year deal bringing our hometown boy back to his roots in the rock n' roll city!

Thank you to Randy Lerner, Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel for finally getting this orange and brown ship headed in the right direction after all those painful "rebuilding" years. Jurevicius is a true NFL player and will be a welcome addition to an often-beleaguered wide receiving tandem.

According to Yahoo! sports:

"This is where it all started for me," said Jurevicius. "I had opportunities to go to a couple different places. First and foremost, I wanted to become a Cleveland Brown, put on the orange helmet, play in front of Lake Erie and enjoy the feelings. This is going to add years to my career because of excitement that comes along with it."

The Browns added frosting to the Cleveland cake by signing LeCharles Bentley, one of the most coveted centers in free agency this year.

"I can die happy now," said Bentley, who wore a Browns jersey under his sports coat. "This has been my dream."

After years of toiling under Butch Davis (and his frightful Death Star regime) that seemingly dismantled the woe-is-me Cleveland Browns, these two top-notch players are a welcome addition - and a positive sign of things to come for our beloved Cleveland Browns.

Butch Davis was an insecure egomaniac who (as a destructive one-man force) was manic enough to make any true-blue Brownie the Elf fan leap out of the stands of the Dawg Pound like Crazy Joe Davola from "Seinfeld" screaming: "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!"

George Costanza: "Hey, what does that mean, anyway-?"

Jerry Seinfeld: "It means - Death to tyrants."

George Costanza: "Yeah - I could see that."

So, this is for all the naysayers out there, who don't "get" current General Manager, Phil Savage, because he wears a baseball cap with a sports coat. And why-? Because Phil Savage is a free-wheeling free spirit who also happens to dress like a devilish rogue-??? A sports coat worn with a baseball cap-?!? Why, (GASP!) it must be the last sign of The Apocalypse!!!

Well, we here at The id and I have praised Joe Jurevicius as a football player from the very start - and for all the naysayers who want to still bash Phil Savage ("The North Coast Ron Howard"), I humbly suggest you crawl back into the tar pits from whence you came and wait to be cast in "Jurassic Journalists 4: Back to the Quagmire." (Come on in and join me, folks - the tar feels just fine! Believe me, I'm no wave of the future either - and when the giant asteroid hits the earth, this big mouth with a blog will be washed away with the rest of the fossils).

And, no, I'm not bashing old people. Some older people are actually quite productive and spry - just look at Yoda!

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to fix myself a little lunch: I'll be stepping into the kitchen where I will proceed to turn water into wine - and bread into fish. Or not - I'm just kind of a jackass that way!

Otherwise, here's a Hoegaarden toast to Joe Jurevicius and LeCharles Bentley - Welcome home, boys!!! (Now, if Phil Savage and company could somehow trade up to draft A. J. Hawk, they would truly walk on water in MY book!).

The id and I - The Last Temptation of Chris

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Dr. Doom's Stock Picks for Dummies (tm): Or How Sirius Killed The Radio Star

"Everyone knows the answers to life's problems can't be found at the bottom of a bottle - they're found on TV!" -- Homer Simpson

Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches - Comparing David Lee Roth to Howard Stern is like comparing the film "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" to episodes of "Parker Lewis (Can't Lose)."

And it seems like David Lee Roth took a "bit of a tumble" today when it was announced that he and his nationally syndicated radio show (that replaced Howard Stern) would take a "hiatus" for a week - or so. One down - two to go. Might as well jump - Go ahead and jump!

Now, I have to be honest here - I am not really a Howard Stern fan. So I couldn't care less who wins these "talk-radio wars" as long as Sirius Satellite Radio comes out on top. The only time I listen to free FM radio is while driving in my car - and when I do I want to hear music, not Clear Channel "corporate chatter."

It's nothing personal - The only connection I have to local radio here in Cleveland is when my friends snuck me into a nightclub at the tender age of 16 many moons ago, and I won a karaoke contest hosted - and judged - by local morning radio schlock jock, John Lanigan (I belted out the winning tune, "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis and The News to the "shock and awe" of many drunks in the crowd - and melted Mr. Lanigan's icy heart in the process. Or not. Hey, maybe it wasn't "American Idol" - but I was still ahead of my time - and it won me 5 free drink tickets for my friends in the process).

But let's get back to the future, shall we - and the future is Sirius Satellite Radio (if not satellite radio altogether). I get my news from Yahoo! and the Internet. I get my "fake" news analysis from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. I get my entertainment from cable TV (if not "Lost" on ABC - then from "The Shield" on FX) - but where do we get our music-?

Right now, it looks like iPods or iTunes is the wave of the future - but I'm betting that satellite radio takes a bite out of Clear Channel crime too. And that's why I am putting my money where my mouth is - on Sirius.

To be honest, I never knew a lot about stocks. As a kid growing up, the only thing I knew about the stock market is what Alex P. Keaton taught me - as well as his liberal-hippie parents - about it on "Family Ties." NOW, it's "Mad Money w/Jim Cramer" on CNBC.

But the more I look at the future, the more I get worried that my generation is going to be living in a refrigerator box - a refrigerator box with a big "falling prices" smiley face on the side of it subsidized by Wal-Mart.

I don't make a lot of money - but the little I do make I invest (and not all of it in Belgian ale). I don't have a stockbroker - my only stockbrocker is me, my shadow and

So when I heard that The Cleveland Indians were starting their own "sports network" - I rushed out to buy shares of Buffalo Wild Wings (BWLD). Well, not rushed out - I bought them from my computer in my living room, but you get the point.

I know that Larry Dolan and The Indians want me to fork over an extra $1.50 to $2.00 to PAY for this network of theirs - raising my BASIC cable bill to almost $50.00/month. This is AFTER, of course, I call my local cable company to ask that they add this new "Sports Time Network" to my cable line-up. Hey, Mr. Dolan - Why don't I just go up on my roof, install a satellite dish MYSELF - and then send you a check for that while I'm at it-???

Can I go "all Sally Struthers on you" and sponsor a Cleveland Indians' player too-??? For just an extra 30 cents a day - will that buy enough rice to feed Grady Sizemore down in Winterhaven for a month-?

I don't think so - I'm not asking for Tribe TV - and neither should you. It may be "good business" on their part - but it looks like "shameless greed" on this end. But, hey, that's the wave of the future - Pay-Per-View sports is coming! And when it does - I want to hold stocks in a place where people will flock to watch all of their sports events for FREE BW-3.

Hey, I'm not a Socialist - I enjoy a free market as much as the next guy, whether it be Bud Fox or Gordon Gekko. So it's up to you, as the little guy or gal out there, to do whatever YOU can to survive and make an extra buck or two. Trix are for kids - and so are my stock picks. So do the homework yourself, silly rabbit - and proceed at your own risk.

As far of the future of satellite radio vs. Free FM, all I can say is this: I tried to warn you. But nobody wants to listen until it's too late. It's kind of like that scene from "Batman Begins" where Batman and Ra's Al Ghul are fighting on the runaway train high above Gotham City:

Ra's Al Ghul: "You can't destroy me. It's not in your nature!"

Batman: "You're right. I can't. But I don't have to SAVE YOU either..."

Batman extends his wings and flies off to safety as the train carrying Ra's Al Ghul plummets off the tracks - and into oblivion.

"This whole damn world - can fall apart. You'll be ok, follow your heart. You're in harms way - I'm right behind. Now say you're mine." -- (The New Radicals from the album, "Maybe You've Been Brainwashed")

Transcripts from tonight's episode of "The id and I" will be available when one of my media professors from college steals this post and passes these ideas off as his own on PBS. Send $2.00 with a self-addressed stamp envelope to CSU (Concrete State University).

00-Septic will return in Ian Fleming's "The Man With The Golden Blog."