Monday, January 22, 2007

Bill Parcells: "Big Tuna" retires from the Cowboys; goes to that big 'StarKist' stadium in the sky

Everything's big in Texas: Bill Parcells (a.k.a. "Big Tuna" shown here on the left and wrapped in his "Flavor Fresh Pouch") has officially retired as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys today.

DALLAS, Texas (Associated id) - Bill Parcells is out as coach of the Cowboys - and he's taking his oversized man-girdle with him.

However, there is still no word from Dallas sources if former apprentice, Bill Belichick, hugged him on the way out the door.

As many football insiders are aware, Belichick is infamous for witholding hugs when things don't "go his way" - as Peyton Manning painfully learned yesterday after the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New England Patriots, 38-34, in the AFC Championship game.

The quarterback of the Colts did, however, manage to playfully rub Belichick's belly "for good luck" in passing on Manning's way to his first Super Bowl appearance - as the "hooded hobo from New England" grumbled, shuffled and scowled his way off the field.

Although Belichick was visibly upset, some words were exchanged between Belichick and Manning, before (reports indicate) the coach returned to his refrigerator box home on the side of the highway.

PEYTON MANNING: "Hey, Bill, that was a heck of a game, huh, coach?"

BILL BELICHICK: "Hug off!!!"

How the retirement of his former mentor, Parcells, actually affects Belichick in any professional way, shape or form is anyone's guess. But as one insider from the Patriots' organization noted: "Um, Bill Belichick takes EVERYTHING personally..."

Reactions from the rest of the Dallas Cowboys are varied and mixed at this time. However, wide receiver Terrell Owens did comment that he was quite distraught about Parcell's departure.

T.O. even indicated that he might go as far as to fake his own death - in a last-ditch attempt to get his old coach back in training camp again. Or was that just last night's episode of Desperate Housewives I'm thinking of ...?

Regardless, the Dallas Cowboys are now without a coach, as Bill Parcells has officially left the building ...and was immediately carjacked by a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michael Vick's water bottle contributed to this article.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Who let the C.H.U.D.S out-? Woof! Woof! Woof!

The id and I - "They're not staying down there, anymore!"

Wonder of wonders, the Cleveland Browns have actually snagged "a rising star" and a top-offensive coach from the ranks of one of the best offensive teams in the NFL: the San Diego Chargers.

According to Yahoo! Sports, the Browns have hired the former tight ends coach from the Chargers, Rob Chudzinski, as their new offensive coordinator.

Maybe "Chud" just got tired of working for a team that should have won the Super Bowl this year. And, more importantly, Marty Schottenheimer: Inventor of the "Prevent ...Offense." Or perhaps he just got tired of working for a coach - and a franchise - that got spanked by our favorite "hobo in a hoodie," Bill Belichick.

No doubt, Belichick has the best quarterback in football right now: Tom Brady. But it's hard to feel sorry for Marty and his "Super Chargers" after they lost a game they should have won to a guy who looks like the second-coming of "Sylvester the cat" - eating discarded fish bones off the top of a garbage pan lid for lunch.

When you are on a team that has the best running back in recent NFL history (LaDainian Tomlinson) and the best tight end (Antonio Gates) in football, it must make you want to make like Sylvester's son and put a paper bag over your head as you sigh: "Oh, father. I'm so ashamed!"

Or maybe Rob Chudzinski just LOVES Cleveland - and kudos to him!

Regardless, as a "Live Free or Die Hard" fan of the Cleveland Browns, this is a bit of good news to be sure. It's refreshing to see Phil ("North Coast Opie") Savage actually do something productive as general manager, for once, rather than spending his time bashing the fans of the Brownies and their "woe is me" mentality.

Woe is us, Phil Savage-? Woe is YOU if you continue to field a "professional" football team that couldn't beat the Richmond Heights Spartans in a scrimmage - and expect the hard-working folks of Cleveland to pay for it!

I'd like to sing your praises next season, Phil Savage, with a resounding chorus of "Who Let The Dawgs Out!" - I really would. But just like Mr. Bookman, the "Book Detective" from Seinfeld: "Rock was never my bag."

So, instead, I'll reserve my hard-earned cash (usually put aside for Browns' tickets) and pour it into a pitcher of Blue Moon Belgian Ale as I sit back and watch to see if your organization truly has the "smarts" to acquire quarterback Brady Quinn in this year's NFL draft.

If not, I guess this little blog-o-crap I write in Cleveland will go unheard by "the-powers-that-be," simply stating like Homer Simpson: "...and that's when the C.H.U.D.S got me."

But here's hoping that the Cleveland Browns and their collective "brain trust" don't continue to drag their highly-deserving fan base down into the sewer with them...