Friday, March 30, 2007

The Cleveland Browns listen to me like George Costanza's mother listens to the Chinese!

Getting my whines crossed: Trent Green (pictured, left) would look like a quarterbacking machine in an orange and brown uniform with 4,000+ yards a season and numerous Pro Bowls, wouldn't he?

Will wonders never cease? For months I have been BARKING about how the Cleveland Browns cannot possibly go into their 2007 season with Charlie Frye and Derek Anderson as their starting quarterback tandem - and expect to win many games.

Yes, the offensive line is a top priority, but signing free agent Eric Steinbach will help that greatly (and drafting another talented young lineman in the second or third round would help even more). Still, the Cleveland Browns need a new quarterback (in one form or another) to start next season.

Don't give me the usual "Tim Couch was a #1 bust behind an awful line, Jeff Garcia didn't fit into our system, Charlie Frye needs time to develop" rhetoric - which are all valid arguments if you like to live in the past like the cavemen from those tired GEICO commercials.

Tim Couch, yes, was busted up behind a bad line and Garcia is not going to flourish in Tampa Bay, either, because he's a product of a successful "system" - not a proven quarterback. And Charlie Frye has made too many "bad decisions" when the game is on the line in crucial times (Baltimore, for starters, anyone?).

Now, what should the Cleveland Browns aspire to be in the NFL - the Buffalo Bills? A good offensive line, yet no talent in the backfield - with the likes of J.P. Losman as your quarterback and a running back to-be-named later? As George Costanza would so aptly shrug: "It's the chicken and the egg."

So, what has my solution been for the past few months? Simple: Draft Brady Quinn (if available) with your #3 pick in the first round of the draft and trade for a veteran quarterback in the meantime (Trent Green) for a mid-round pick.

PHIL SAVAGE: "What-? He's not Chinese! (Pauses) Well, this changes EVERYTHING."

GEORGE COSTANZA: "What's the difference? He still gave you good advice! Who cares where it came from-?"

PHIL SAVAGE: "OH NO! I'm not taking advice from some blogger from Lake County!"

RANDY LERNER (Storms out of the room): "You want a divorce, Cleveland? I'LL GIVE YOU A DIVORCE!!!"

JERRY SEINFELD: "You know might want to consider changing the name of your blog."

And you can take that bit of wisdom - wrapped in a fortune cookie - to the bank! Or my name's not "Donna Chang" - and it's not.

Friday, March 23, 2007

MAD About You (Some of the Usual Gang of Idiots): The Complete Second Season, Boxed-Disc Set

Bored in the U.S.A. (left): "Sylvester P. Smythe" is the janitor featured on every cover of Cracked Magazine.

He does pretty well for himself despite never being arrested on tax evasion, invading Norway on false pretenses, drunk driving with Tony LaRussa, winning an Emmy for his "naked news" or betting on baseball with Pete Rose!

Well, just when I question the "sports sanity" of the Cleveland Browns and their organization (that I rally around with reckless abandon), along comes the Houston Texans to claim the top spot of the "Too Stupid to Live" on the NFL food chain (Better luck next time, Oakland and Detroit!).

I don't know how they did it - or WHO they did - but how anyone can cash a paycheck in professional sports with the moves this team has made is beyond me.

Passing on Vince Young, Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush for - Mario Williams?

Trading top multiple draft picks for a backup quarterback - Matt Schaub? Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? The Houston Texans are making Matt Millen of the Detroit Lions look like the Albert Einstein of the gridiron and Al Davis is reminding me more and more of that guy in the wheelchair writing about "wormholes" and stuff (I can't remember his name, but when I see Stephen Hawking at lunch, I'll be sure to ask him).

Still, I have no qualms with the owner of the Cleveland Browns - simply because he spends the money necessary to win. However, watching the Browns under the woeful Romeo Crennel last season was about as painful to witness as being tied to a chair, with my eyelids taped open, and forced to watch NASCAR on a continuous loop (Although, now that I think about it, NASCAR is a continuous loop by nature).

The NFL Draft is about a month away - Let's hope the Cleveland Browns aren't too busy studying for their "ESPN Fantasy Baseball Drafts" and focus on their own team needs. Brady Quinn, Joe Thomas or Adrian Peterson are all within their grasp - don't fumble the ball on the goal line NOW.

Chris McVetta is a "janitor of journalism" who enjoys mopping up after sports teams in Cleveland with his sloppy prose and bucket of pop culture chum.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Duh Tribe Report: Am I just brain dead?

Is it just me or doesn't it seem like it would be a good idea to broadcast the spring training games of the Cleveland Indians on their own cable network, Sports Time Ohio???

Maybe I'm just a drooling moron for asking this but I believe it to be a legitimate question. Perhaps there are some "legal reasons" that it would be in direct violation with ESPN or the local radio stations who broadcast the games in town.

But the Cleveland Indians OWN Sports Time Ohio ...AND the team. Why couldn't they broadcast these afternoon games down in Winter Haven during the day on STO?

I mean, it's not like they are showing anything else during the day on this cable station unless you consider "static" a form of entertainment. And how many times do I actually need to be informed that "Underground Hillbilly Backyard Basment Trailer Park Wrestling" will be shown promptly at 10:00 pm?

Once a day is fine by me ...thanks!

Damn, if STO is that hard up for programming, I'll volunteer to make predictions about the upcoming Fantasy Baseball season for them. I could read "stats" from my Sporting News magazine while wearing my stylish "Corona-bottles and limes" pajama bottoms on my living room couch.

That should turn some heads during "sweeps week" in Cleveland, huh?