Monday, July 31, 2006

Chief Wahoo: "Make The Bad Man Stop!!!"

From McWire reports...

Well, chalk up another Cleveland Indian who got "scalped" by Mark Shapiro and his merry band of misfits! Second baseman Ronnie Belliard is on his way to greener pastures with The St. Louis Cardinals after being traded for "a can of corn and a Cory Snyder rookie card."

I don't know what The Cleveland Indians are thinking right now. Save some cash, fleece some sheepish fans-? Anything is possible here in Thunderdome!

I honestly thought that Mark Shapiro was a good General Manager for The Tribe - but now I'm not so sure. But, one thing's for certain, I'm not going to bash him like some Mel ("Get thee to a nunnery!") Gibson on drunken holiday (We drunken leprechauns - although sarcastic - are a peaceful people).

To his credit, Shapiro has brought Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee to Cleveland - but I don't know how much of that was just "dumb luck" in a trade that showcased the long-gone Brandon Phillips.

To be sure, there is a lot of BLAME to be handed out to this Tribe team of 2006 that has gone awry. But who, you have to ask, is ultimately pulling the strings of this Tribe trainwreck-? Is it the owner, Larry Dolan-? Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge-? Slider-? Or a combination of bad decisions based on their cumulative indecisiveness-?

This is all beginning to feel like a scene from A Few Good Men:

Lt. Daniel Kaffee: "Did you order the Code Red-?"

Col. Nathan R. Jessep: "I did the job. I..."

Lt. Daniel Kaffee: [shouting] "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED-?"

Col. Jessep: [shouts] "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!"

I truly believe that the blame (no signal) for "This Plan" (no signal) falls soley on the hands (no signal) of the owner - Larry Dolan (no signal). He has yet to prove he his willing to "spend the money" (no signal) which he is so shamelessly making from (no signal) Sports Time Ohio - while those other "poor middle-market teams" like The Detroit Tigers and The Minnesota Twins are running away with the AL division and wildcard.

It's bad enough that we got the rug pulled out from under us by that no-talent Ben Affleck and his whining Boston Red Sox! (You've got Jennifer Ganrner sleeping in your bed - How much is TOO MUCH, Ben!) Now we don't even have a future to mortgage - or hold on to anymore.

You, as fans, need to stop "waxing your dolphin" down at The Jake - even if it's "Drew Carey Bobblehead Night" - and start asking some tough questions of Larry Dolan, Mark Shapiro and Eric Wedge. You, as fans, deserve nothing less from them as they continue to take your money for "services NOT rendered."

As for me, in the meantime, I'll keep holding onto hope that The Tribe will someday turn things around like I hang onto The Sports Time Ohio antenna high above Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back:

Darth Dolan: "Fluke, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father-"

Fluke Skyblogger: "He told me enough! He told me YOU traded him away for some cash considerations and a player to be named later!"

Darth Dolan: "No, Fluke. I am your father!"

Fluke Skyblogger: "No - NO! It's not true. IT'S NOT TRUE!"

Darth Dolan: "Search your feelings - you know it to be true! Fluke, join me and together we can rule The Sports Time Ohio universe (no signal) father and son!"

Well sorry, Your Highness, but you failed - I'll never join you. I'll never be one of your "media muppets" - and I'll never believe in your "Plan."

May The Force be with you, Cleveland!

The id and I - "Made with my very own Fisher-Price computer!"

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"Bye Bye Broussard-ie!"

The id and I asks "the tough questions," folks:

I wonder what Kurt Cobain would think of Ben Broussard's season if Mr. Cobain were still alive today-?

Well, if anyone still cares, The Cleveland Indians shipped first baseman Ben Broussard off to The Seattle Mariners for outfielder Shin-Soo Choo and a player to named later.

Shin-Soo ...who???

According to "The 24-year-old Choo, who's spent the majority of this year at Triple-A Tacoma, will join the Indians and be the club's starting right fielder against right-handed pitching.

Choo, a native of Korea, has hit .323 with 13 homers and 48 RBIs in 94 games at Tacoma this year. He's also stolen 26 bases in 30 attempts. He was named the seventh-best prospect in the Mariners organization by Baseball America earlier this year."

Wait. What ...what is this weird tingling sensation coming over me? I feel so ...conflicted. I cannot believe that I'm about to admit this, but ...I actually LIKE this trade!

I feel so dirty.

But, what the hell, life is short and my loyalties are often as lopsided as plate of Jell-O - or FOX News. Honestly, my feelings about this Indians organization have not changed, but fair is fair - and this looks like a very good trade for The Tribe.

That's a hard thing for me to admit when Mark Shapiro and Co. constantly pat themselves on the back because they believe every single move they make (no matter how absurd) is "a work of genius" - They're like the "M. Night Shyamalan of the baseball world."

And I still cannot get passionate about this team as long as Larry Dolan owns this vibrating coin-operated franchise. So, even though I still care, it's kind of like what Marge Simpson told Edna (Mrs.) Crabapple on her wedding night: "Oh, passion's for teenagers and immigrants!"

And yet, 32,000 fans turned out today at the ballbark for a "businessman's special" - a team 23.5 games out of first place ...and another loss for The Indians. I love Jacob's Field, too, but these people must be "a wet dream" for used car salesmen and late-night infomercials...

As far as Ben Broussard goes, he had an impressive season on the offensive side of the ball, but his defense (no doubt) left a lot to be desired. I don't know - Maybe our "Baby Bono" will be more at home out in "Bigfoot country" living in an abandoned loft next to Pearl Jam.

Me-? I've always been more of a Stone Temple Pilots kind of guy. Hey, what can I say-? I know what I like when it comes to psuedo-Seattle grunge rock, thrifty Cleveland sports teams, and monsters I have seen fleetingly on "In Search Of."

Call it "a sixth sense." (Wink, wink)

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

LeBron James is "all in" and "Blue Horseshoe LOVES Endicott Steel..."

"I don't throw darts. I bet on sure things." -- Gordon Gekko, ("Wall Street")

LeBron James is going to be staying in Cleveland until the 2009 - 2010 season and I couldn't be happier! Let the other "Chicken Littles on the Cuyahoga" debate the endless motives of LeBron's refusal to sign a full 5-year deal - me, I'm going to crack open an ice cold bottle of Hoegaarden, light up a Kramer-sized stogie, and count my Monopoly money from writing pointless pop culture dribble and other comedic musings on Teldar paper...

LeBron James is crazy like a "Bud Fox" - and he's going to be my Cleveland neighbor (um, more or less) for four more years. So what's wrong with that-?

While the Cleveland Indians are busy playing "Texas Hold 'em" ...with their private parts, LeBron James is leveraging his talent to force the Cleveland Cavaliers to "ante up" or "fold" after the next four years. If they produce, he'll stay in the game. If they don't he'll walk away - either way, he'll cash in his chips and be a very rich(er) man.

LeBron James is the lastest worldwide phenomenon - living and playing in Cleveland - and everyone is ready to write him off like he's just another Manny Ramirez - and this is just another "manic Monday."

Good and talented people do actually come to Cleveland - it's up to Cleveland whether or not we choose to embrace them - or shun them like the latest round of bird flu we read about in The Weekly World News.

Don't "boo" Jim Thome for leaving town - The Indians could have signed him a few years back by giving him an extra-year on his contract. But they didn't want the marketing potential of having the most beloved player in current Cleveland sports history - the "Bernie Kosar of baseball" - to stick around. Why-? Because they had to pay him ("bad back" and all).

So when it comes to having LeBron as my Cleveland neighbor for four more years, I'll glady throw out my Notre Dame "Welcome" mat to match his dreaded New York Yankees' baseball hat. It beats living next to Scott "There goes the neighborhood!" Sauerbeck, after all.

So crawl out of your caves and tar pits, Cleveland, and take a look around once awhile to see who his living, working and playing in your backyard:

"Hey, there's Braylon Edwards standing in front of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! I wonder if he would be willing to pick up my mail for me while I'm on vacation-? Professional atheletes, much like Hollywood celebrities, are often accessible and accommodating to the common man, after all, aren't they-?"

"You know, I went to Trader Joe's today and guess what-? That nice Anderson Varejao fellow actually recommended a fantastic blend of coffee beans to me over in aisle 3!"

"Wow, isn't that Charlie Frye - signing autographs for well-behaved, non-belligerent fans - on the back deck of Around the Corner-???"

You see: It's always sunny in Cleveland, Ohio! Even if you walk out of your home one fine day and see that the name on the mailbox of your new nextdoor neighbor actually reads: "Pronk!"

Take a few deep breaths and relax, Clevelanders! "Pronk!" just isn't the noise that Bam-Bam's pet dinosaur-kangaroo-thingy made on The Flintstones's also the name of your new "Cleveland neighbor," future MLB All-Star, Travis Hafner!

See - nothing to worry about (But, um, just be SURE to take your recyclables to the curb every Wednesday and keep that damn stereo down - or he'll body slam you from "off the top rope" of your backyard patio deck...).

Welcome home, LeBron James!

"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies. Choking on your alibi. But it’s just the price I pay - Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes ...‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside!"

Monday, July 03, 2006

"Grady's Grouches" (tm) say "congratulations" to MLB All-Star Grady Sizemore of The Cleveland Indians! (And Vote Pronk!)

The id and I - "Over a billion Larry Dolan 'cheap jokes' McServed!"

Sooooo ...I've been away for awhile are The Cleveland Indians doing these days-???

Or should I say:

a.) The Cleveland Sizemores-?
b.) The Cleveland Pronks-? or
c.) The Cleveland Cliff Lees-?

I say that because these are the only three players I would pay to see play baseball right now. Why ANYONE would want to give their hard-earned money to this organization is beyond me!

Hell, at times, I get paid to see this team play down at Jacob's Field (soon to be A-B-C Check Cashing Ballpark, I'm sure!) and even I am tempted to just take my money from The Springfield Shopper and go to Alice Cooper'stown instead.

The 2006 Cleveland Indians (as I see them): "You come on like a flame and then you turn a cold shoulder ...FIRE AND ICE."

Do the players want to give up on manager, Eric Wedge-? I don't know. But I do know this: Larry Dolan will never EAT Wedge's salary. So my advice to the players and to Eric Wedge is this: Forget sensitivity training and just "Hug it out, bitches!!!"

I hate to say "I told you so" but... YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR (Unless you are a season ticket-holder ...and then you don't).

So I'm just curious: If The Detroit Tigers win The World Series this season, what excuse is this sad-sack organization going to use then for being a poor "middle-market team."

Because I don't think the Tigers are going to be "a fluke" - IN FACT, I said in earlier posts (in this very blog) that I thought Detroit would be this good ...last year. And, um, the last time I checked, Detroit (as a city as well as a media market) was financially on the same level as Cleveland.

So what's the problem, Larry Dolan-? Cat(s) got your tongue-? Or more importantly, your change purse-?

And while I'm at it, why is everybody "bashing" our very own "Baby Bono" ...Ben Broussard-? Sure, he made a couple of bonehead plays this year on defense - but who hasn't this season on The Tribe's roster-? "Anybody-? Anybody-? Bueller-? Bueller-?"

And Broussard (if you haven't noticed) has been having a pretty damn good year on offense - on an otherwise, uninspired, lackluster team. So let's make him our scapegoat, huh-? Wake up, puddin' heads, because Ben Broussard is the LEAST of your problems on this 2006 Tribe team!

(McEditor's note: I feel the need to defend Ben Broussard whenever his autographed baseball starts to glow brightly up on my mantle and Marlon Brando's voice mysteriously appears out of nowhere stating: "My son - with great power, comes great responsibility. You cannot escape your destiny, Kal-el...")

So, the fans, just like a young Anakin Skywalker, are beginning to ...turn. But why are they still turning out to support this feeble organization-? I'm sure the Marketing Department of the Indians would like to blame any-and-all low fan turnout "on the weather."

But the only Cleveland Indians' game-day forecast you need to know is this one: "Overcast ...with a 90% chance of sucking."

If you're there to support your Cleveland Indians (as players), well, bless you - and I can't say that I blame you for that. Just be sure to vote for Travis Hafner at to make The All-Star Game.

But, for me, it's too hard not to want to throw Larry Dolan's baseball baby out with the bathwater...

In the meantime (or at least until the beginning of The Cleveland Browns' season), cue the Remy Zero: "Somebody saaaaaaaaaave me!"

Happy 4th of July to the REAL "Supermen" (and women) who are serving in the armed forces!