Tim Couch: Young Frankenstein or Weird Science?

Somebody better warn Gene Hackman to bolt the doors and lock his windows, folks - because The Transylvania Times-Herald is reporting (from this Fisher-Price computer) that "Frankencouch" is storming the steroids countryside (and looking to toss any upstart bloggers down the well, as well - Zoinks!).

Oh, Tim Couch, what has become of you-? The former "cautionary tale" from the "new" Cleveland Browns has now been allegedly linked to steroids, according to Yahoo! news in recent reports.

And, to add insult to injury, the casting Couch has recently been released by the Jacksonville Jaguars in another futile attempt at an NFL comeback...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA?"

Getting some McLovin' from MSNBC!

Someone just sent me a link to a story from the beginning of the summer from another fellow Clevelander - "Open Mike" at msnbc.com - about yours truly.

It seems it references myself, and an article I wrote for Blogcritics.org (an ONLINE MAGAZINE) entitled: "The 'Curse' of Cleveland Sports (And Other Tales of 'Whoa!')"

Wow, I'm actually rather stunned (believe it or not) - and very flatterred by this shout-out from Mike and the spotlight he lovingly shines on Cleveland, Ohio.

And, just like the Cleveland Indians, it comes (rather timely) at a moment after a night of sulking in my frosty Belgian beer - alongside the plasma big screen featuring a frazzled Fausto Carmona.

Look, Cleveland, there are many a day when I don't feel like getting out of bed here in the Rock n' Roll city, either. There are no jobs here. The city is crumbling. The leaders and mass media are "apathetic" with a (what-do-we-do-NOW?) "Gee whiz shrug" - to say the least. And the citizens of C-Town are leaving faster than you can say: "Charlie Frye or Derek Anderson-?" (MY vote: Charlie Weis)

Needless to say, there are many days here in Cleveland I don't feel like "a sexy hamburger."

But like the mid-market Tribe, sometimes you have to play your strengths - because, hey, that's all we've got in terms of talent and "resources." Sometimes you have to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps and face off against a "goliath" like the New York Yankees (even if they are bigger, stronger, richer, faster) - because, quite frankly, nobody else will do it for you.

The majority of the national media (like ESPN) is sitting and waiting to kick Cleveland to the curb - and cheer on their beloved New York behemoths (Yankees, Jets, Mets or otherwise).

Yeah, sure, I could go and sulk in the clubhouse like the Cleveland Indians (I have on many occassions, in fact). I could go cry in my beer because I'm not writing for The Simpsons ...or winning an Emmy for Lost ...or starring on Saturday Night Live ...or even (at worst) writing a "pet advice column" for Cat Fancy magazine and co-hosting "Bowling for Dollars" (im my spare time).

I could be doing all those things and more - but I'm not. And, guess what-? Just like the "beleagured" Cleveland Indians ...I have no one to blame but myself. Period. End of story-?

So, sure, maybe the Tribe will never beat the Tigers or Yankees (or win a World Series) - and maybe I'll never win a "Pulitzer Surprise" for writing about "inviting my cleaning lady out to lunch" or some such nonsense. But so what-? You have to at least TRY.

A very wise "Jedi Master" from "...a galaxy far, far, away" (Channel 73 on Time-Warner cable, me thinks) once told us: "If you don't promote yourself, nobody else is going to do it for you."

And even that jackass from Match.com, Dr. Phil, has been known to say: "Hey, it's OKAY to be braggin' on yourself once in a while..."

Not a problem from this meager outpost, Phil! Regardless, the Cleveland Indians have a chance to win their division ...they have a chance to get to the playoffs (this year) ...and they have a chance to represent their hometown and WIN the World Series for their half-crazed mass of adoring fans.

Or they can just "sit home and sulk." But I'm not going out like that - and neither should the entire staff of the Cleveland Indians. Anything else is just "an Atomic Wedgie" waiting to happen...

And, hey - Thanks for the "pep talk," Mike! I feel "Superbad" now (Yes, in that classic, ironic, and GOOD ...Cleveland kind of way).

All Bets Are Off - Literally!

So I guess I have been selected to be part of a "sports town hall meeting" featuring Mark Shapiro and Phil Savage for the show All Bets Are Off with Bruce Drennan on Sportstime Ohio.

I get to ask both Shapiro and Savage a question about the Browns and Indians as part of the show but, don't worry, it won't be: "So ...what's the deal with Bernie Kosar? Seriously."

It's most likely going to be more like the episode of The Simpsons where "Mr. Burns" runs for governor:

Lisa Simpson (reading from a notecard): "Mr. Burns. Your campaign has all the momentum of a runaway freight train. What makes you so popular-?"

Mr. Burns: "Ewwww, a tough question, Lisa ...but a FAIR ONE."

But that's okay! I think it will be cool to finally meet some of these people "in the biz" that I've been writing about this last year or two - I'm really looking forward to this!

I just hope I don't pull "a Kramer" and fall off the stage or something - while I'm promoting "my coffee table book about coffee tables."

The show is being taped at The House of Blues in Cleveland at 3:00 pm today (check your local listings for show times ...Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel).

So I guess this will probably bring The Joker, The Riddler, Catwoman, The Penguin and Two-Face out of the woodwork, as well, huh-?

Commissioner Gordon: "Wait! I never got to say THANK YOU!"

Batman: "And you'll never have to..."

More later...

The Ultimate Matt Damon: Bourne to Run

In case you missed it between the roar of transforming robots, the sea of yellow-skinned marketing tie-ins from Springfield, and Bruce Willis “die harding” just a little harder this summer: Matt Damon’s The Bourne Ultimatum is the best movie of the year.

Truth be told, Matt Damon has always been one of my favorite actors of his generation. Damon does not always make the best movies, to be sure (Stuck on You, anyone?) but - just like his meat-and-potatoes character of super spy, Jason Bourne - he’s a risk-taker, to say the least. The end game results: spectacular.

And, unlike other actors of his ilk, Damon seems more concerned with the quality of his projects than counting receipts and pushing box office records. Matt Damon chooses the best directors in the business, whether it be Bourne’s Paul Greengrass, Steven Sodenbergh from Ocean’s Eleven (Twelve and Thirteen), or even legendary filmmaker, Martin Scorcese (The Departed).

I only wish that the other filmmakers in Hollywood would put as much “thought” into their movies - even so-called mindless summer blockbusters - that Matt Damon puts into his own work.

The creators of Batman Begins and Casino Royale (both movies that should have never been snubbed by the Oscars for Best Film because of their "content") did it the last two summers and delivered quality entertainment - while winning over critics and producing big box office numbers in the meantime.

Now, along comes The Bourne Ultimatum on these hazy summer days and it’s a movie that explodes with big action (and smart memorable results) on every stunning level.

To quote Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) at his best: “I’ve been running for three years. It ends NOW.”

And, thankfully, The Bourne Ultimatum ends with a …BANG.

The Bourne Ultimatum: Grade A-